


Those Few Gods who Escape Damnation

by epitomizedTyrant



Category: Homestuck, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: AU, All Tigers Gotten, Blatant and Unfortunate Discussions of Sex, Crack Treated Seriously, Dave and Jade are pacifists, Dr. Strange Wants Tony to Not Call Him Names, Everyone is god tier, Everyone is very confused all the time, F/F, F/M, Future AU, Gen, John is kind of a slut in this, M/M, Multi, Not Really AU, SBurb Replay Value Mechanics Mentioned and Abused, So Is Karkat, Some Debauchery, Somewhat, Super Technically Tangential to Cannon, Thats more a sidenote than anything, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tony Just Wants Things To Make Sense Again, Wow, technically
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2019-06-16 11:59:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15436590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epitomizedTyrant/pseuds/epitomizedTyrant
Summary: In which four gods save the world in its hour of need.OrThe Beta Kids came out for a boss fight and are honestly so disappointed right now.





	1. Thanos... More like... Than... Damn it, nevermind.

**Author's Note:**

> The battle between Thanos and The Avengers is a little funky, because I forgot how it went in the movie during the fugue state I wrote this under. Basically in this version, Vision and Wanda try to run to escape at first and there is a short running battle between the Avengers and Thanos, where he just flicks them aside and V and Wanda wind up a pretty good ways from the others for the final confrontation. There is also an additional wave of Alien mooks because Thor showed up early and needed something to be doing.

 It would be an understatement to say the battle against Thanos had been going poorly. By any standard really. After god knows how many waves of mooks were sent against the shield wall, and then the arrival of the miniboss squad... The defense had been going well, Thor’s arrival heralded a short-lived turning point in the battle as more landing craft began to appear. Then the big blue bastard himself had teleported in and fought through the vanguard that had followed Vision into the forest. The avengers were knocked aside like chaff as the only one who stood a chance against the titan was locked in combat with an unending army of four armed aliens. And then Vision had died, had been killed by Wanda after begging and begging for her mercy. He was dead, and then he was back, Thanos having used the time stone to drag him back into existence from prior moments was on the verge of victory. Vision was struggling, Thanos's gauntlet was a crushing pressure around his neck...

You close your eyes...

Green static flashes beneath your artificial eyelids, an unexpected but painless death. You open your eyes, curiosity and surprise coursing through your synthetic neurons by the apparent afterlife, and you find yourself floating under someone else power in the clearing twenty feet away from where you had been. Before you stood four potent beings strange human shaped people whose very existence seemed to radiate a power that you could barely perceive. Three were turned away, but a young woman, or at least he thought she was young, her eight feet of height were unusual but her white furred face was young. You suppose that implied a certain lack of humanity. Her eyes you see are so utterly green that the forest around her is less verdant, and all of space could fall away and they would remain like suns in a dead universe, forgotten but impossible to ignore.

The red cloaked human spoke in a notable Texan accent. "Now, what exactly do you think you are doin messin around with my Aspect? Do you know the kind of strain that puts my good time sis through, havin to go around cleaning up amateur time travelers messes?"

"Hey Jade, think that's the glove Dave was talking about?" a deep voiced and similarly giant man wearing what appeared to be a long blue windsock asked, causing the furred woman to turn around in midair. Huh, they were all flying. Odd.

"Huh? Oh yeah." She turned around and snapped her fingers in Thanos's direction. "I think the red and blue man might be a robot." The infinity gauntlet appeared floating above her hand. Thanos stood utterly still, his mouth hanging open in confusion and shock.

"Cool. So, now what?" The windsock asked flippantly. 

"Well, apparently this guy is bent on slaughtering and somewhat infinite amount of people, so... maybe we can temporarily raise my no killing policy."

"Aight." The Texan man said. "How about the two of us who aren't pacifists deal with this, and if it’s too much I'll step in."

"With pleasure dear brother." You heard the smirk in the yellow dressed woman's voice. You doubted her confidence, it seemed patronizing for her to so flippantly disregard the warrior who had just defeated earths mightiest warriors. She held her arms out to her sides and two long and vicious looking... wands? appeared.

"Oooh, should I say something bad ass too? Like;" He threw his arm out to his side and a massive rainbow-colored Hammer appeared from nowhere, and he rested it on his shoulder. "Like, Stop! Hammer time?"

"No, John, I think the moment has passed. Let’s just, as Roxy would most likely say, kill this big blue boss bitch." She took a combat stance as Thanos seemed to recover from his stunned silence.

"NO! I HAD WON YOU PATHETIC HUMANS!" He roared and charged. As soon as he took his first step a rapid piano beat accompanied by a beautiful violin burst into an intense duet behind your ears.

Suddenly the man in the blue windsock appeared behind him, seemingly coalescing from the wind itself in mid swing, the giant multicolored hammer smashed into Thanos's back with an audible crack, sending the blue monster tumbling into the earth. He didn't move, and even from your position you can see thick blood oozing from the imprint of the massive hammer head, a wicked gash opened at a right angle along the monsters back. A moment passed, and a little ding rang out through the clearing, heralding the appearance of a wizard hat with bunny ears appearing on Thanos's head. The music awkwardly slowed and stopped, ending on a single discordant F sharp.

"Uh. Well, that’s awkward. I think I one shot his spine." The man apparently named John frowned and bent over Thanos while still floating, hands on his knees, hammer just gone.

The woman in yellow sighed. "Cruel of you taking all the fun for yourself." She floats over to the corpse of their mighty enemy.

"C'mon Rosie, I'm just as blue balled here as you!" He petulantly crossed his arms. "Here, you can have the killing blow."

She sighed again and pointed a single wand at Thanos's paralyzed body. purple energy erupted from the base of the wand behind her hand and gathered into a ball at the tip. filling the air with a painful whine. "Can’t even brag about to 'Rezi, wasn’t even an actual fight." John mumbled as Rosie let loose a howling blast of purple light that vaporized Thanos completely.

"Holy shit sis, overkill much?" the Texan awkwardly laughed and shuffled his feet... midair.

"Oh, shut it Strider. You try and hold back after using [Dance of Aggrievance]." Rosie growled at Strider. How did she say it like... that? "The more I think about it the more aggravating this is."

"Yeah, you think it’s bad for you guys! You never even read marvel comics! This guy is supposed to be some kind of death god! I think... it’s been awhile." Jade shouted as she floated forward, infinity gauntlet still floating above her hand.

You finally look at Wanda again, who is now standing beside you looking deeply, deeply confused. Her mouth is slightly open. She meets your eyes and you shrug.

"Well your description of Thanos was a cruel and merciless clit tease. I suppose we should just be happy we stopped a mind-blowing amount of death, but I must admit I was looking forward to a true test of our combat power. Not whatever that was."

"Well if you put it that way it makes me sound like an asshole for complaining about the lack of incredibly hot hate sex I will be getting in the near future."

Strider and Jade groaned and covered their faces respectively. "John I literally already know infinitely more about your sex life than I need to, and I hate it. I really really hate it."

"How often do I have to apologize Dave. How many times."

"I've seen things, John, they are seared into my memory like sexy lines on a sex steak, except the sexy lines are shaped like your ex crush and best bro's genitals." Dave's drawled in a nearly emotionless deadpan.

"I'm sorry."

"And the steak juice isn't fucking steak juice, it’s been fried in a white and teal slurry, the same teal you see literally staining your best bros tongue like a sex lollipop."

"Oh my god Dave." John and Jade both groaned while Rosie just snickered demurely, one hand over her mouth.

"And the minute you turn away from the steak you know that you'll turn back to see fucking shark teeth marks all over it. It’s a bro steak, John. You are the bro steak."

"Are you perhaps calling John a steak because of some repressed feelings dear brother?" Rosie snidely interjected.

"Nope, not repressed in any way. I know my bro is one hot piece of man meat, I am fully realized in my homosexual desires, just like everyone else on the fuckin meteor Rose. Everyone wants to fuck John, we know, maybe we should have all jumped his bones back before Roxy Momlonde, Vriskers and Terezi decided to nail down their bonezone with a fortress of disturbingly open boning, but hey hindsight is a bitch isn't it Rose." Dave fired back without any change in inflection or volume. Wanda started blushing beside you.

"Jegus Christ Dave, you and Karkat were dating actual years before I got with EITHER of them!" John shouted in annoyance.

"Listen John, it isn’t your fault that the Crockerenglishharleyberts are insanely hot twenny four sev and have to deal with living with the eternally thirsty Strilondes and a bunch of bone crazy trolls."

"Not that I feel massively uncomfortable about every part of this conversation and want to change the subject, but hey look other people are here." Jade said, turning to Vision and Wanda. "Hello! Nice to meet you, uh... I'm sorry I mostly read Miss Marvel if I'm being honest."

"Who... Who are you?" Wanda asked.

"Only the illest gods this side of paradox space."

"Hey Dave. Dave you sound like you haven't been on earth since two thousand and nine, Dave." John elbowed Dave.

"Well, shit dog. Everyone knows that a cool kid like me like me only says the most ironic shit."

"No one thinks your cool Dave."

"They won’t if you keep making them think I associate with you."

"Won't they think your cooler if you associate with someone as hot as you keep saying I am?"

"If you don’t stop being right I will absolutely tell 'Rezi that you were black flirting with me."

"She won’t believe you."

"But she will totes act like she does. Do you really want to get cockblocked for a week because you had to keep burning me in front of a superhero and someone who pretends to have a Russian accent."

"Hey!" Wanda yelled as John stuck his hands in his hoodie pocket and glared at Dave.

"Ignore them. I am Rose Lalonde, the one with the sunglasses is my pseudo brother, Dave Strider;"

"Sup."

"The girl with the ruby slippers and dog ears is Jade Harley;"

She gave a perky wave and a blinding smile and said "Hi!"

"And the one whose outfit is a color inversion of mine is John Egbert."

"Hello!" Johns smile was only slightly more subdued than Jade's.

"And we are... well, let’s just say we are benevolent and leave it at that hm?"

"So, who are y'all?" Dave asked in a casual tone of voice.

"I am Vision." You finally speak up, deciding to get all the awkward introductions out of the way. "I am an artificial being created from the AI Jarvis and the Mind Stone, which is embedded in my forehead. I am also a member of a group called the Avengers, and though we are on something of a hiatus we consider ourselves defenders of the world."

"And I am Wanda Maximoff. I am also an on again off again member of the Avengers." She greeted.

"Whoa holy shit. The Avengers are real here?" John's jaw slackened for a moment.

"That's... cool. We can leave the fighting monsters and shit to them then, right?" Dave asked no one in particular.

"Don't worry brother dear, even if they weren't around the rest of us will make sure you, Jade, and Karkat don't ever have to fight again."

Dave gave his sister the only genuine smile you'd seen, and the only genuine emotion you'd seen on his face.

"Are you aware that you just easily defeated the most powerful being on the planet?"

"Apparently not saying much, all considered." John grumbled. An agitated breeze rustled the leaves around them.

"John, be considerate." Rose chided. "He was probably very powerful compared to what they had faced." John shrugged.

"Wait... is there still a battle going on?" John suddenly perked up.

"Yes... Thanos brought an army." Wanda pointed towards the battlefield. "They are overrunning us."

"Hey. Hey Rose. Showtime?" John grinned at her.

"Showtime." She smiled a vicious smile back at him, and then they both shot off, weapons suddenly drawn.

"So how does that... work? The weapons?" Wanda asked. "Is it some kind of power?"

"Nah, it’s just in our strife deck. We just whip out our decks and kick ass." Dave shrugged.

"Ugh, Dave! We store them in.... its... You know video-games?"

Both of the present Avengers tilted their heads.

"We have inventories. Wow, do you guys not have sylladexes?"

"No, I have no idea what that is."

"Huh. Weird."

The distant sound of hurricanes and lasers and just general maelstrom of war did nothing to alleviate the awkward tension.

"We... we need to find Steve, or someone. Tell them that Thanos is dead."

"So, do you know what his plans were or what?"

"Once he collected the last Infinity stone, from Visions head, he was going to kill half of the entire population of the universe."

"Huh." Jade looked at the gauntlet floating above her hand. "I should probably..." She trailed off. She snapped her left hand and the four gems warped out of the gauntlet, which disappeared assumedly into her Sylladex. "Huh, why is this one blue?" she murmured, separating the Space stone from the others and holding it in her right hand. The symbol that was on her dressed superimposed itself over the Stone and it changed from blue and glowing to black and full of stars. the symbol faded, but the Stone remained the same. "I can use this like a tiny green sun! I won’t be as depowered, still not up to my usual First Guardian stuff, but I’ll get a bit of it back." She grinned at Dave.

"Good, no more narcolepsy. Give me the green one, it’s what let him fuck with time." She tossed it to him. A clock ticked in as it too shifted colors, going from green to red. "I'm going to destroy this. I have enough of a headache when I'm the only one fucking up the timeline, I'm not letting anyone else make more messes for me."

The stone disappeared as well, though this time Vision thinks he catches the briefest flash of a two-dimensional card appearing and instantaneously disappearing. Strange people these.

"I am sure that everyone will be as grateful as I that you have come and stopped the mad titan, but I must ask... Why? What brought you here?" Vision asks, his tone as pleasant and thankful as possible.

Dave opens his mouth but jade slaps a large hand over the shorter man’s mouth. "Dave felt someone fucking up the timeline, so we came to deal with it. We were also told we should go ahead and kill the responsible party, because they were super evil and bent on world devastation or something. We'd like to make this earth our new home, you see, and we don't want it destroyed."

"Ugh, yeah, after everything we've been through? Finally finding an earth we can party with and losing it less than a month before we arrive, and since we'd be stuck here for... I dunno, hundreds of years or some bullshit like that."

Those were a lot of words that Vision understood individually. He raised a finger and started to open his mouth when Jade spoke up again. "Anyway, the point is we are friendly and have a vested interest in people staying alive and happy. Ourselves included, more or less."

"So, you four... are mutants?" Wanda asked.

"I mean." Jade shrugged. "Like, we... I... No?"

"Jade. Jade. You are like, thirty percent god doggo. I’m pretty sure that could get you into the X-peeps."

"You mean the X-Men?"

"No Jade, this isn’t fuckin two thousand and nine, we're inclusive now."

"Of course, why didn't I think of that the first time you said it."

"It’s okay Jade, you’ll learn eventually."

"So, if you aren't mutants, what are you?" Wanda interrupted the most likely interminable discussion.

"Aliens." Dave replied immediately.

"Dave, you fuckass we... are. Oh, I guess we actually are aliens."

Dave gave a shit eating grin and Jade growled at him.

"What planet are you from?" asked Vision, leaning forward to get a better view of the apparent aliens.

"Earth." Dave said.

"But-" Wanda started, before Jade interrupted. "Not... this earth. Earth Beta, or Earth B, which oddly came before Earth Alpha? It's based on something we can’t really talk about."

"Nah, we just choose not to talk about it. we could. if we wanted." Dave shrugged.

Jade rolled her eyes. "Yeah, fine, we don't want to talk about it."

"So what earth is this?"

"Well... let’s see, I guess it would be earth D? If we went by the convention that made the True Alpha earth earth C..."

"Are we not counting the like, twenty earths that didn't make the cut? Wouldn't this be earth M or something?"

"There's no SBurb and no green sun, so maybe we shouldn't even keep this naming scheme? Why haven't we talked about this?"

"I dunno Jade, it doesn't really matter? Like this is the earth that we have to stick with now, so."

"Fine. Fair enough." Jade's hands and voice implied that she did not in fact think it was fair at all.

"Did you follow any of that?" Wanda whispered to Vision as Dave casually ignored Jade's glare.

"No. No, I did not." He whispered back.

Vision was about to speak up when Jade looked out to the battlefield behind him and spoke. "Do you think that we should bring the Alphas back and rez these people? There is... a lot of death."

Dave sighed. "I... I guess. I’ll have a future Dave-"

"Sup." Dave’s voice came from behind you. You turn to see another Dave standing behind you.

"Well that answers that, I guess." the first Dave sighs again, deeper and longer suffering.

"At least it’s at your leisure. You want an itinerary or do you just want to play it as its dealt?"

"You... You already know."

"C'mon man, don’t be an ass about this, you know how this goes, I gotta ask."

"Ugh, fine, yeah, give me the itinerary." Current Dave shrugged.

The other Dave coolly tossed a strange red card underhand to the first.

"Oh my god you actually made a fucking paper itinerary. Jesus Christ and you also wrote it in comic sans, the best font. You beautiful bastard all is forgiven. I love it."

You watch as the other Dave gives a thumbs up and disappears in a flash of red.

"Uhm." Wanda starts. "Can you please explain what just happened?"

"Future me gave me a loop guide. Makes all this bullshit simple. Would have been nice during hell year, but whatevs." Jade shivered at the mention of hell year. Whatever that was.

Wanda opened her mouth to pursue her questions but stopped when you shook your head. Every question so far had just led to more questions and non-answers, it would be best to have this discussion with the more socially analytic members present. If the Avengers would even exist again after today, it had been a temporary truce, but perhaps in the face of the inter planetary threat that would change. Although perhaps not since the new comers had ended the problem in two short attacks. You have stood face to face with Ultron, you personally know Thor, the god of thunder, and yet none of them could hold a candle to the power that Thanos had displayed. The threat that these four young aliens had dispatched with dismissive ease.

"Not even a fucking loop guide, just "Hey past bro, avoid these hallways, it’s a fucking death trap." but no, let me just walk into it. What would have been really great if he'd just come back and gotten them to just... ugh." He complained while going over the list that had appeared in his hand after the card disappeared.

"I don't know, Hell year sucked but... honestly I think it helped all of us grow as people. Ooof, Rose is really not holding back huh."

"You can tell what’s happening back on the battlefield?" Wanda asked.

"Yeah, kinda. I can feel the displacements in space and stuff like that. She just vaporized a big stretch of land. John is... was just attacking with the Poppamatic Warhammer of Vrillyhoo. He's starting to use the breeze though."

"The breeze?"

"Yup." Jade nodded, and Dave barely suppressed a snicker that Wanda didn't notice.

"What is the breeze?" Wanda asked again, exasperated.

"Huh? Oh, sorry. I don't know, you wouldn't ask John to explain the spacey thing, how am I supposed to explain the windy thing?"

Dave burst out laughing. "Jade. That was so beautifully unhelpful. Man could you imagine if we had more fuckin obfuscation classes? We'd never get anything done. John has windy powers, and Jade has spacey ones. Rose has light powers and I have time powers. It’s a whole thing." He shrugged. "By the way if you hadn't guessed we are from the near future. We have to do some fuckin maintenance on your planet. Somehow y'all fucked the timeline so bad there’s actual rifts in it."

"And space too! There are actual TEARS IN SPACE ON AND AROUND YOUR PLANET! HOW DID YOU MANAGE THIS? I think some of them are just the conksuckiest transportalizers I’ve ever seen, but some of them are like, just holes in space. Its gonna take me weeks to track them all down."

"Man, if I remember our earth right, Jane is gonna fuckin flip her shit. Man that Maid title is gonna suck."

"What if she berserk triggers? Dave, holy shit, we need to be ready on cool-down hugs. If she berserk triggers when we bring her back to resurrect the fallen, that could be really bad."

"I’m not allowed to bring Calliope though, so, maybe the berserk trigger won’t be a bad thing?"

"Berserk Trigger?" Wanda asked worriedly,

"Huh? Oh, it'll be fine, we'll take care of it." Jade assured her.

"Yeah, don’t worry about it lady we got it. Hey, so, what’s been up in pop culture since two thousand nine anyway? Is Fresh Prince of Bel Air still the best show ever made? Is doctor who still doing time travel wrong? I need to know everything, I can only keep up my outdated cool kid shit as long as I'm ahead of the others."

"Oh my god Dave, she probably has better things to do than watch bad tv."

"Did you just indirectly insult the Fresh Prince? Oh man Karkles is gonna be so pissed."

"Oh my god."

"You could get in on that Kismessitude action, though competing with Vriska... Oof."

"Oh my god."

"Actually, no that sounds like the high road to threesome city, if you say you hate Nick Cage too then you are gonna be in the middle of a very interesting hatefuck sandwich."

"Oh my god I can’t believe you are saying this in front of people."

"Could be a fivesome, no, that's an orgy, right? Could be a hate orgy real fast, I hear it wouldn't be the first time."

"I almost walked in on that. If I didn't learn to use my spacial awareness to check EVERY SINGLE ROOM I'm going to walk into I would have seen some stuff."

"The one upside of Hell Year, a lot fewer potential random encounters."

"YOU ARENT INNOCENT DAVE! IVE SEEN YOUR HEAD BURIED IN KARKATS CROTCH MARGINALLY LESS THAN ROXIES VOIDY SESSIONS!"

"Wait."

"I WILL START CALLING YOU RED BEARD AGAIN!"

"I regret my life choices."

"Uhm." Wanda spoke up again.

"WHAT!??" Jade roared at her.

"We need to go help the others." Wanda said calmly.

"Ugh, then go, we aren't keeping you here."

"We should prolly go too Jadey." Dave drawled.

"Fine. Sorry." Jade took a deep breath and calmed herself. "Let’s go."

They floated over to the pair of you, which you took as a cue to go and find Steve.

"So, who are we lookin for here? Batman?" Dave mumbled and received an elbow to the side.

"Jegus Dave did you actually never watch or read anything Marvel? How did you not read any marvel in the five fucking years we were on that meteor?"

"I dunno, that was yours an' Dirks thing." He shrugged.

"Ugh, what ever."

"He is also known as Captain America, and the First Avenger." You supply helpfully.

"Oh, you mean Obama." Dave snapped his fingers. Jade suddenly held a pillow and pressed her face into and let loose a scream of deep, deep frustration.

"ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME TO GO BLACK FOR YOU? CAUSE ITS ALMOST WORKING!" Jade shouted at him.

"Nope hey, I'll shut up now sorry." Dave scrambled and then mimed zipping his mouth closed. Jades glare follows him for well over a minute as the four of you make your way to the last place you remember seeing the others.

 

 

It’s fun at first. You fall into the horde of monsters with a wild abandon, letting go of your worries and doubts that have accumulated for the last few years. The odd four-armed aliens fall beneath your hammer like chaff, weaker even than imps. So yeah, it’s fun, at first. A few minutes pass, and you are vaguely aware that the wild violin that accompanies the rapid and merciless piano is starting to fall into a rhythm, in the back of your mind it pushes the ebb and flow of the breeze around you. You crush the head of a monster beneath your yellow shoe at the start of a crescendo and let loose a blast of scything wind that cuts down the monsters back beyond the blue barrier, perhaps all the way to their landing craft.

You can't help but sigh. You didn't expect more than the boss... not really. But you aren't getting into it. you keep nearly reaching a sustainable rhythm, and then the tied is stemmed for a moment and there's nothing to attack and you lose that lethal rhythm. You look over to see Rose similarly bored, floating above the ground pouting at a massive gout of earth where her spell had vaporized dozens of underlings. You float over to her.

"Hey."

"Hello John."

"This is kinda... boring."

"I agree."

"Do you want to just use a fraymotif on [Wrath of the Storm God] and [Guiding Light]?"

"Yes, I think a concert might be more fun than this." She smiles at you as you slowly float to the ground.

You place the Organ of Breath in front of you, facing away from the source of the monsters and sit down as behind you Rose pulls out the Violin of Rain. You lean into the first notes, slamming your fingers against the keys and pushing the Breeze through the many hollows of the grand instrument, as Rose's violin begins to scream a song of carefully controlled fury behind you. The wind picks up, and ghostly fingers of air join you at the organ. You play a long crescendo and add in some careful syncopation to increase the complexity of the song. 

Light breaks through the clouds in jagged rays that slice your enemies into nothingness, and the howling wind picks up and launches great machines and mountains of corpses as weapons against the alien army, slaughtering them without mercy. The defenders of earth stand in awe as the wind and sky turn against the aggressors and pulp them as though they were nothing. 

The song lasts only two minutes, but in one hundred and twenty second the army is obliterated, and nothing of the aliens remain. You return your weapons to your strife decks, your instruments to your sylladexes, and you turn to face your close friend. Your sister in arms.

"You know, we played pretty hard there. Rude of them not to give us a standing ovation." You grin.

"Indeed, I thought we at least deserved some form of congratulations, yet they remain dead silent." The pair of you giggle at her pun.

"Well, I’m feeling winded." You say as a blond man wielding an axe approaches you two.

"I as well, I think I'd like to turn off the lights for a little bit, lets return to our compatriots, shall we?" She held out her hand daintily, and like a chauffeur helping a lady onto a cart you took her finger tips and bowed.

"Lets." You say and use what remains of your retcon powers in this universe to warp yourselves back to the others. Your sister and best bro in the universe are floating after Vision and... Wendy, you think, you were preoccupied when they introduced themselves.

"Hey guys." You say as you appear behind them.

"Did you have fun?" Jade asks politely.

"Not particularly, even en masse they weren't much of a challenge. We ultimately decided to unleash the Wrath of the Storm God on them."

"... Oh."

"They are all dead."

"Yeah. Yeah I bet they are."

"Ah, so you met Thor then?" Vision looked back at you.

"... Sure." You say. You pranksters gambit almost sighs at you as it gives you a tenth of a bar. You'd emptied it before the battle so you could use the combo growth bonuses, but... the hat gave you a single bar, but you lost it all when the battle with the underlings had turned into a simple matter of overwhelming force. You meet Rose's eyes and she shrugs, so you suppose that your lie was in good taste.

"So, where are the Avengers?" Jade asks to distract Vision.

"They should be this way, Miss Jade. Thanos defeated them while Wanda and I attempted to escape. It went poorly, as you saw. I think we may all have been doomed if not for your fortuitous arrival."

"Vision? Is that you? What happened, where is Thanos? And... who are they?" A ruggedly handsome man with piercing blue eyes dressed in black combat gear asked, standing up and favoring a wound you couldn't see.

"Thanos is dead Steve. He was slain by these four, they... appeared at the last moment and, well smited him. They refer to themselves as the Benevolent."

"Pardon me, but we don't actually, I merely meant that we were in fact benevolent. We don't really refer to ourselves by any nomenclature... anymore." Rose corrected.

"Wait, Thanos is dead? Just like that?" Steve quietly asked.

"Sorry." You apologize. "I know how much it sucks when someone just appears and fixes all your problems for you. It feels like its stealing something away from you, even if you aren't sure that you were going to win."

"No, no, it’s wonderful. Thank you. Is the army...?" He seemed genuinely thankful. You guess not everyone had to deal with stupid Role Play Quotients and Growth Factors.

"Slaughtered to a head." Rose hums beside you. There are other costumed people converging on you now. A man in a black cat suit, a tall dark-skinned woman, another dude in black combat gear, a raccoon? and a tree? What.

"That's.... good." Steve raises an eyebrow at her. She shrugs.

A black robot suit lands beside Steve. War Machine, Jade whispers to Rose. You briefly wonder how it would feel to be a fictional character to someone, but on the other hand you suspect that in some timeline that is exactly the case. You would make a pretty good anime protagonist. You would be someone’s favorite anime.

"We need you to gather your dead by the way, try and lay them out in neat rows about three feet apart." Jade says. "Don't bury them or anything, they won’t be dead for much longer."

"What will you do to them?" the furry asks your sister, who is actually furry. You somehow manage to keep a straight face, and in doing so gain a smidgen of gambit.

"Bring them back to life. It only works once though, so tell them not to die again, ok?" Jade reassures.

"What do you mean bring them back to life? Can you use the Infinity Stones?" Steve asks again.

"What? No, life and death is Jane's domain. Well, her aspect is Life, not that you really know what those words mean in this context. Anyway, the point is that you need to gather your fallen so they can stop being fallen." Jade explains. "Wait, shit, you don’t have a religious spiritual thing about this do you? Because this shouldn't interfere with that, this is a purely mechanical resurrection."

"Nearly all the words that come out of your mouth are worrying in some regard." The man in the combat fur-suit comments as he removes his helmet. "But we will gather our dead, I'd prefer not to lose anyone today." He wasn't ruggedly handsome like Steve, no, this man was simply gorgeous. You sigh deeply and summon four Boonbonds and hand them to Rose who smirks knowingly at you. You roll your eyes and stick your tongue out at her.

"What was that about?" The man in the mech suit asks, pointing at you. He seemed to still be on high alert.

"I lost a bet. I was paying up." You grumble.

"It really wasn't much of a bet, considering your sister and Dancestors are all-"

"Yes! You were right I get it! Stupid culture keeps biting me in the ass." You interrupt, and she snickers even more at your grumpiness.

"What's a.... Dan-sister?" he asks.

"Dancestor. It’s a combination of descendant and ancestor. It’s not an 'Own Grandpa' situation, but it would take several hours to explain."

"And we don't want to." You clarify for Rose.

"And we don’t want to." She concurs.

"Okay. Sure. not the weirdest thing that's happened today." He shrugs.

"Well, Y'all seem nice, but I think it’s time we bail, see you tonight, and then... in a few weeks, or months, maybe." Dave interjects.

"Bye!" You and Jade both say in sync, and wave at the same time. Rose waggles her fingers and Dave throws up a peace sign, before throwing you all forward in time.

 

 

 

The four mysterious saviors disappeared in a flash of red. Your name is Steve Rogers and today has been an absolute rush of emotions. Thanos the mad titan brought armies to Earth, to lay claim to artifacts of incredible power that threatened the universe, the Avengers had reassembled, and then been defeated. and then four young people showed up out of nowhere, won the battle for them, and then disappeared.

You are glad for the victory, but anxious. The adrenaline wouldn't let you accept victory yet.

"So, that was weird even by avenger’s standards, right?" Rhodes asks no one in particular. Bucky looks to you with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, it was." You say. "So, does anyone know what actually just happened?"

"I can elucidate some things, Captain. After you bought us time to escape, Wanda successfully destroyed my stone, killing me, but Thanos used the Time Stone to undo her efforts. This apparently drew the attention of Dave Strider, though he may have been simply saying that to intimidate Thanos. He brought the other three with him, and Jade Harley... teleported the Gauntlet off of Thanos's hand and removed the stones. John and Rose attacked and killed Thanos, John breaking his back in a single blow and then Rose annihilating his body with a blast of some sort from her wand. Jade changed one of the stones and gave the Time Stone to Dave who intends to destroy it. John and Rose flew away to fight in the battle, after being... 'Blue Balled' by Thanos, though they apparently didn't enjoy the larger battle either."

"They also said... a lot of things that we... Well, I at least didn’t understand. They wound up arguing in front of us on long and strange tangents, but I couldn't make heads or tails of it. A lot of TMI, something about Crockerharleyenglishberts. Some... other things. Dave thought Steve's name was Obama." Wanda recounted.

"Huh." You say.

"Let us return to the city and assess the damage. Do you... Do you think they can really undo the death's that Thanos has caused?" T'Challa asks you.

"I don't know what to think right now. I guess it’s worth letting them try. They did imply some kind of time travel ability, so they probably can." You shrug.

"Should we be worried that there are people wi-" Rhodey was interrupted by the sudden appearance of the God of Thunder himself leaping through the canopy.

"Greetings, old friends, did a man in blue and a woman in yellow pass this way?" He asked.

"Yeah, you just missed them, actually. What’s wrong?" You ask.

"Nothing, I... I just wanted to talk to them. They displayed incredible power, I could feel it. It was oppressive, even. The blue one, I believe that he is some sort of wind god, for his control of the storm was even greater than my own. The yellow one bent and analyzed fate and called beams of light from the sky to smite the invaders."

"Hm. Well, that is impressive and somewhat terrifying." You mumble. "I wo-"

A red light cuts you off as Dave Strider and Jade Harley flash into existence in front of you. "Howdy." He says. "Jus' lettin you know that you need to gather the bodies around the baller spire tech hole y'all have. We'll be havin a short meetin there later, to talk about some stuff. Bee why oh Bee an' all. I personally request spicy Doritos and mountain dew." He tosses a paper airplane at you, which you catch deftly. Opening it you find that a time is scrawled in red pen, telling you to be ready for them at ten pm that night.

"Wait!" Thor tries to yell, but they are already gone, their red afterimage lingering a moment on your irises. "That is frustrating." He mumbles.

"Whoa, what happened to your hair big guy?" Rhodey asks, retracting his face mask to get a better look at Thor.

"Ah, it is a long tale... Wait, they can bring people back to life?" He starts.

"They claim they can, yeah." You nod at him.

"I.... my people. Thanos killed everyone on my ship, and my brother... What do they need to bring someone back?" He speaks with a rapid and panicked cadence.

"I don't know. You can ask them at ten tonight."

 

 

The air was still. T'Challa, Shuri, and a dozen others stood on guard and tentatively in mourning. It was a quiet night, the battle of the day appeared to have scared off the local wildlife. They had carefully piled all the alien bodies near the drop ships, to be searched and salvaged and examined at a later date. for now, they stood anxiously waiting for the promised arrival. At nine fifty-eight your doubt peaks. You have a hushed conversation with T'Challa, and he describes the end of the massive battle to you. At first Rose and John had merely waded into the fray, stabbing and smashing and blasting their way through the horde, the enemy unable to withstand even their lightest strikes. Then they had grown tired or bored, and began to use great blasts of power, hurricane like winds tearing the aliens off the ground and sending them flying, and blasts of strange energy that carved great scars into the earth and took dozens of aliens with each flash. When more ships had appeared, they dropped to the ground and summoned instruments, and a wicked song blasted through the minds of everyone present, and with that song came a great shift in the sky. Winds tore the ships from the sky and smashed them into the grounded ones, light intensified and burned the enemy in strobe flashes. The aliens were sliced by razor winds and launched through the air or immobilized with hard light and held still for pin point strikes from the heavens. After the aliens all lay dead they had teleported away in a flash of blue light.

As soon as he finished his story the clock struck ten, and there was a moment of utter silence. and then with the sound of a massive ticking clock eight figures appeared, Dave at the head of the pack with a pair of strange red tables floating in front of him, flanked by John and Rose. Jade hovered on Johns right, standing in front of two people you didn’t recognize who looked like some strange combination of John and Jade, one standing even taller than the already giant pair, and one a couple feet shorter but still taller than Dave and Rose. Behind Rose stood another two who were an equally strange combination of Rose and Dave, though they were far less dramatic in size both were slightly taller, and much thinner.

"Alright!" The shorter woman who looked a lot like John said with a jovial clap. "Let’s get started! Let’s see now... for a group this size... Dave dear? Can you give me a few layers? John be my back up piano, Rose, Jade, we're going for a [Showtime Of Your Life] Layered to the fourth." The five of them who were participating got in formation, the newcomer facing the field of bodies, John facing away opposite her, Rose and Jade on sentinel positions to her left and right, and Dave standing between her and John.

"Let’s tear it up Jane!" Jade shouts and pumps her fist with exuberance.

In a split moment the five summon instruments; a massive blue pipe organ, an ornate piano forte, a beautiful violin that shone in all the pearlescent colors of an oil spill, a deep black double necked bass guitar with a red Diamond and a Red heart on opposite sides of the strings, and a pair of floating turntables this time joined by a full floating sound board. The first note sends a startling sense of calm through the gathered, and the melody that follows, leaking out with ambitious and climbing speed brings healing. You think, for a moment, it’s a spiritual thing, but weariness and wounds fade away, and you feel utterly revitalized. Good as new, perhaps better.

And then Dave starts to move.

The players stay still but Dave moves like a man possessed, spinning and flipping and sliding the apparatus' interface, and in a moment the peace is shattered as a second iteration of the same song begins, out of sync and dissonant with the world. And then another clone song begins to wail above the first, and a third and a fourth and a fifth. You desperately try to make out the individual songs, once beautiful, but the cacophony is unbearable. As they build to a crescendo, a record starts to scratch, and rip suddenly pulls the songs into sync. Once more in control of your faculties you look to the players and see massive symbols above their heads. Green and Blue and Yellow and Red and a starlight white soak the sky in unkempt radiance.  The song of life fills you to the brim and overflows, and you think perhaps you just gained years. Tendrils of green light spread out from Jane to the bodies of the fallen. Within a minute the entire field is cloaked in a blinding radiance, nearly stopping you from seeing the bodies begin to lift, limbs dangling and torsos jutting skyward as though they are being lifted by invisible cranes from the waist.

The light pulses, and shines, and then fades, leaving the fallen to stand and pull themselves up. It is joyous, and happy, and you almost forget what you hear Dave say in an aside to the others.

"We just saved a bunch of people lives by fuckin, basically layering a healing spell about three hundred times using a really fucking complicated glitch to trick the universe into thinking that we only played it once."

And then they disappeared in a burst of red light. And then they reappeared, with Tony Stark and several others in tow.

"Peace out sons. See y'all later. Maybe. Who knows." Dave threw up an ostensibly ironic peace sign and disappeared once more, leaving Stark and several others you don't know behind.

"Did we... win?" Peter asks timidly from behind Stark.

"I... have no idea. Were you guys in space?" You ask.

Tony looks... off. He is both deep in thought and utterly lost. "Did she just teleport us across.... We're on earth, how..."

"That’s been my whole day." You say.

"What... What happened to Thanos?"

"Dead. Those people who brought you here killed him a few hours ago."

"No, I saw him minutes ago, he... We have to find him!"

"No, they... Dave can time travel? I think?"

"Really?" He asks, and you nod.

"Huh."

Another massive flash of red has you all spin to find the strange beings and Thor backed by a crowd of people you assume to be Asgardian. The original Thor is teleported over to them, and Dave shouts: "ALRIGHT WE ARE ACTUALLY FUCKING GOING THIS TIME, SEE Y'ALL ON THE OTHER SIDE."

The other Thor's hand reached out limply as though to stop them, and then dropped to his side. "I am thankful, but also frustrated in a way I can almost not comprehend. I have... So many questions."

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Tony shouted, throwing his hands up. He winced as blood spurted from a wound at his side and he fell. You and a dozen others all rush forward before he even hits the ground.

You have the feeling that it’s going to be a long and complicated night.

You are right. It’s a night spent crying and confessing and promising things for the future. Promises you know that everyone damn well intends to keep. Today has been a wakeup call, the Avengers reform, the Sokovia Accords are amended in ways you find satisfactory, if not ideal. Bucky begins walking down the long road to recovery, Rhodey's spine was healed in the strangers’ song, and you move back into Avengers Tower, now home to not only Tony, but a dozen other occasional tenants. It’s nice, its peaceful. Missions are rare but challenging. All seems normal for a few months. Better than normal, really. The Avengers talk more, are more open. You know that to work together again, things need to be different.

And then one peaceful evening Friday interrupts movie night to tell Tony; "Boss, the Listening Station at the edge of the solar system has detected an anomaly."


	2. Dankster Strange and Peter Parker share a moment of confusion.

"What kind of anomaly?"

"It is a spacial anomaly similar to the anomaly's produced by the extra terrestrial Jade Harley, except on an unprecedented scale. One moment... We have received images from the satellite."

"Display them. Sorry team, we need to check this out."

The first thing to appear on screen was a picture of what appeared to be a meteor, and three dashes of gold emerging from a rippling green field of energy. The next is taken a few seconds later, and is zoomed in slightly, revealing that the golden dashes appear to be gold colored battleships of two sizes, the two beneath the meteor appear to be heavy cruisers, while the larger one above the meteor appears to be an actual battleship. The third picture shows the ships moving ahead of the meteor, which is visibly covered in various structures.

After a few moments Friday spoke up again. "Boss, our listening station just reported that it has lost the meteor. The last image was taken approximately forty seven seconds from the first detection. We have received twenty eight of the forty seven images."

"Okay, Friday... I guess load the images to my tablet, then play the movie... Have our gear on standby though."

 

They waited, and Tony analyzed the pictures, but they were stubborn, no real information could be gleaned from them. He was able to find distinct structures, about thirteen in four distinct clusters were visible, though they varied from small apartment building to strange sprawling compounds. The ships were interesting enough, but the myriad greebles that appeared across the underside told Tony nothing, as it was clearly of alien origin. The closest thing to real information he could extract from the images were in the last three, where the vessels went fuzzy and then dissapeared, leaving empty space behind. which was, frankly, just kind of weird. Shocking as it was, the extraterrestrials were fucking weird.

And then on the next day the super high definition images finished transmitting from the probe, and finally Tony found something tangible. If by tangible, one meant even fucking weirder than everything else up to that point, of course. Aboard the closest ship, at the tip of the bough was a bipedal red crocodile with a white captains hat. The farthest was home to a pink turtle with similar garments, and the lead ship held a yellow thing in a wizard costume. Tony had been through a lot in his life. Torture. Kidnapping. Betrayal. Exhaustion. wasting his life for people who barely gave a shit about him over and over. But this? This made him feel like he was going to cry. "Forget it!" He yelled at no one, and stormed out of the office he had co-opted to study the images. This was getting him nowhere. So fuck it.

After a week passed by with no movement from the extraterrestrials the Avengers began to wonder if the events had ever actually occurred. Of course they all knew they had, but the air of surrealism that surrounded the whole affair made even the village of Asgardians, the battlefield in Wakanda, and  even the odd Gaurdians of the Galaxy seem almost suspect.

 

And then there was Hydra Helicarrier approaching New York, because was it really the Fourth of July if something evil and large wasn't attacking a major American city?

 

Peter Parker and Stephen Strange managed to take down the first wave with relative ease, Nazi's and robots falling to blasts of magic and web in numbers notably skewed towards the man with magic, but the teenager was nonetheless pulling his weight. And then the helicarrier floated to a stop, and with a thunderous echo launched a massive salvo of missiles towards the city. Dr. Strange and Spiderman had seconds to think of a plan and enact it before the missiles started smashing into the city, killing at a minimum hundreds with the initial blasts alone, but with this many missiles there was only damage control. And then in a wave of green static sweeping left to right the missiles disappeared.

 

"SERIOUSLY!" You hear an echoing shout. Your name is Peter Parker and today has been REALLY bad. Well, up until the last minute Deus Ex Machina of course, but sometimes that just how it be. "WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR LIKE, A FUCKING MONTH!" A tall and vaguely familiar woman with white fur, a big floppy sunhat, and a flowery sundress floats out from somewhere behind you towards the docks. Her ears are stuck through her sun hat and pulled back angrily against her head. "FIRST IT WAS BIG BLUE AND DISAPPOINTING, THEN IT WAS WHATEVER THE FUCK HAPPENED IN THE BERING STRAITS, AND NOW ITS FUCKING NAZIS? SERIOUSLY!!"

"Oooh, Nazi's? Really?" A chipper voice speaks up, and the woman is joined by a slightly shorter man with... incredibly short shorts, and a well muscled body. Hm. "Oh let me at 'em Jade! I'll be just like Lara Croft and it will be awesome! I've always wanted to shoot up some Nazis!"

"Did Lara Croft fight Nazis? Are you mixing her up with Indiana Jones? Ugh, whatever, go wild. I'm calling John to deal with the missiles, using the spacey thing like that is exhausting without a green sun around." She grumbled into her phone as the skimpily dressed man flew out towards the helicarrier. 

You share a look with Stephen and he grimaces at you and shrugs. 

"What the hell do you mean busy? John you asshat you can fucking time travel no problem how can you possibly be too busy to... come on for real? NO I NEED YOU HERE TO FUCKING HURRICANE THE STUPID MISSILES ROXY CAN USE YOU AS A PILLOW ANY OTHER TIME! You... COME ON!"

"Fiiiine I'm heeeeeere. Whatcha need Jadey?" A man in a blue windsock popped into existence beside her. Another salvo of missiles exploded from the ship almost punctuating his sentence. "Oh, is it the missiles? Do you want me to...?" He was silenced by a smoldering glare from Jade. "Okay, yeah I'll just..." He raised his hands like a conductor, and with a twitch gale force winds blasted past you. "So, where's Jake? Weren't you guys getting some kinda weird pizza today?"

"He's off shooting Nazis. Because hey, yeah Nazis are a thing again."

"Huh. He's not on the flying boat right? Also its weird seeing like, a normal one of those right? Or is that just me?"

"Yeah, its weird. Jakes down on the docks, there were like, landing craft or something that dropped some mooks."

"Cool cause I'm just gonna put these rockets back where they came from."

"Alright. Ill... put the wreckage in space? I guess?"

"Are you saying we shouldn't drop a weird flying aircraft carrier in the middle of an active harbor?"

"Yes, John. I'm saying we shouldn't drop the Nazi warship in the middle the Hudson Bay or whatever."

"Wow, Jade you are so smart!"

"Stop being an ass and blow up the helicarrier. Jegus."

"Alright alright." He conducted into the wind and you could almost see the air turn into a scything mealstrom the plucked the missiles from the air and sent them wildly twisting back towards the helicarrier. "So how was the pizza?"

"It was pretty good! Jake got pineapple on his though. And ham." She grimaced.

"I never understood why people have a problem with pineapple on pizza. Like, I don't like the sweetness but thats just... preference." The helicarrier turned into a giant fireball.

"I mean... I dont know? I thought it was just kind of a running joke I guess?" She shrugged, and raised her right hand and snapped her fingers, the sound of which reverberated and faded into a sharp crackle. And then there was no more helicarrier, and no more fireball.

Nothing ventured nothing gained. "HEY! EXCUSE ME HI!" You shout at them.

They turn to you. "Hi." Jade sighs. And then she raises an eyebrow. "Oh, hey, you're Spiderman!" She seemed to perk up on seeing you. Weird.

"Hey, uh. The Avengers really want to talk to you guys!"

 "Huh, I wonder why?" John asks.

"Probably because we killed Thanos and did a bunch of other stuff. Like resurrecting those people." Jade yawned.

"Well, I guess but Thanos was kind of a chump."

"Tally ho chums!" Jake grinned widly as he floated back up to the other two. "That was some jolly good fun! Feels kind of unsporting what with the golden guns and near immortality but I did some good rolls! Oh, who are these chaps?"

"Do you not know who Spiderman is?"

"Nope!"

"Well... I mean, you can guess which one it is."

Theres a moment where Jake looks directly at Dr. Strange, to you, and then to Jades annoyed face. Upon realizing that she is both tired and annoyed, he simply nods.

"Well," Says John, "If thats all done I'm gonna go back to Rox and Callie." And he disappeared in a silhouette of bluish white light. 

"So. Why was Hydra attacking?" Jade sighed.

"Oh, uh... Doctor?" You say, honestly not knowing.

"I haven't a clue." He shrugs somewhat regally. How does that work?

"Great. Cool. Im going back to my pizza!" She snapped her fingers and crackled out of existence.

"JADE- Oh, darn it." He tapped the side of his glasses and his eyes disappeared under a digital screen on his glasses. A moment passed and he disappeared in a crackle of green as well.

"That was..." Steven started.

"Strange?" You finish.

He just sighed.

 

"Hey Happy... So, you remember how a couple months ago that alien army invaded Earth?" You say loud enough so that Doctor Strange, who has joined you for a slushie, can hear your conversation.

"Are there more crazy dudes selling weapons secretly again? 'Cause I'll listen this time, no guff."

"No, no, but there were some aliens who wound up saving us all then? And there was a big Hydra attack just now, Mr. Stark might be on his way? Anyway they uh. They kinda dealt with... The Hydra attack."

"Oh, I'll have FRIDAY patch you through to Mr. Stark then."

"Okay." You say, and wait. Its about half a second before you overhear a brief greeting between Karen and FRIDAY.

"Whats up kid? The Avenger's are about two minutes out, Hydra won't know what hit them." Tony ended in a growl.

"Uh, yeah they wont. Or didn't? So, you remember Jade right? You gave us a briefing and stuff..."

".... Go on..."

"Uh, well, actually how do you not already know this? She showed up with a couple others and they cleaned up Hydra. Seemed kind of annoyed. I tried to get them to talk to you guys but uh. Apparently they had other things to do."

"Eating pizza and cuddling I believe." Steven said, briefly revealing an incredibly blue tinted tongue.

"Im not saying that to Mr. Stark"

"Saying what to Mr. Stark?" Mr. Stark asked.

"Nothing sir..." 

"Who else is there?" Tony continued on.

"Doctor Strange, sir!"

"Ask him why he wont return my calls."

"Uh, Doctor Strange, Mister Stark wants to know why you wont return his calls?"

"He called me Danktor Strange once and I haven't managed to forgive him yet." He shrugs. and then takes a ridiculously loud slurp on his slushie. People around you are starting to stare.

"He says he hasn't forgiven you for calling him Dankstor Strange sir." You report.

"Thats... Alright, fair. So, your suit still records everything right? Would you mind if Friday grabbed the footage off of your suit real quick?"

"Uh, no sir, that would be fine. Yeah."

"Fri? Cool, cool, so, since we're down here lets all get lunch. I bet that Schwarma place is still open right? Friday see if that Schwarma place is still open. You and the Dankstor should meet us there."

"Mr. Stark says we should join the Avengers for Schwarma, uh, Doctor."

"Well, I guess I have the time, all considered."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are chapter lengths going to vary wildly on this fever dream that you have joined me on? Yes. Yes they are.


	3. Staging: Set

Your name is Peter Parker and you are visiting the Avengers compound for the weekend. You woke up early for a little jog, and are on the track when a Texan drawl interrupts your train of thought.

“Sup.” A man in a red pajama outfit that you vaguely recognize from the Thanos incident is flying behind you, hands in his hoodie pockets. You almost trip.

“Uh, Hi there?” You say.

“So, this is gonna be kinda weird but do you know where Iron bro is? I need to talk to him.”

Holy shit yes. “I do! Do you uh, want me to take you to him?”

“Yup.”

“Uh, this way!” You say as you start to lead him towards the compound proper. “So, who are you guys? Like, its been driving the Avengers crazy.”

“Oh, we’re just your average universe hopping super powered refugees.” He shrugs. Answering nothing.

“You know that answers basically nothing, right?”

“Yeah, if I actually gave anything away I might lose leverage. And we’ve kind of got this whole thing going right now and I don’t want to ruin it by saying something that answers a question.”

“What do you need leverage for?” You diplomatically ignore most of what he just said.

“Well, we didn’t until like, today. Before that we just hadn’t really run into y’all. Well, I’m pretty sure that John and Rose wanted to intentionally fuck with y’all, but we kinda had other stuff to do first and now we… Well, we don’t NEED help, but it would make things smoother.”

“What go smoother?”

“One of my friends got arrested as a joke and now she’s getting dangerously close to lazering her way out and… Listen, I just want to avoid casualties.” He says stoically.

“Alright don’t tell me, Ill take you to Mr. Stark.” You say, a little miffed but accepting. He shrugs.  You suppose briefly that he might have a good reason not to tell you the truth.

It takes only a minute to enter the compound once you realize he can probably fly faster than you can jog so you pick up the pace and so does he.

“Hey FRIDAY? Can you tell Mr. Stark that the Dave E.T. is here to see him?”

“Holy shit this is just like the Dave Human phase I love it.” He says stoically at the same time that FRIDAY says “Done, he is on his way right now.”

“YOU!” Tony shouts rounding the corner into the little lobby at breakneck pace.

“Me?” Dave says

“Who are you? What do you want? Why are you here? Where did you come from?” Tony says rapidly.

“I will tell you all that in exchange for one thing. Actually, I’ll do you one better, a group of us will come here and you can ask us all kinds of questions which we will try to answer. You… Just need to bail my pseudo sis out of jail. And possibly erase all record of her being in jail.”

Oh. He was telling the truth.

“Wh… Why?” Tony sighs. “Why is she in jail?”

“So. We were out walking along, ya know, me Rose and Janey right? And this cop across the street wolf whistles at Jane, and we have to hold Rose back. Then his dumbass partner is all fuckin… wrow catfight,  and Rosey dodges out and blasts the whole ass engine block of their cruiser into slag. And then these assholes are like, ‘you’re under arrest’ and Rose thinks it would be funny to humor them, and now she’s still in Jail and starting to get bored and angry.”

“Okay…”

“If they fuck with her she might just straight up blast their faces off. With magic. To death.”

“Okay, that’s… And if I do this, do the bribes and everything then you’ll answer some questions?”

“Yup.”

 

 

And that’s how you find yourself beside Tony, Steve, Strange, and Bruce seated across from five of the extra terrestrials, who all seem very human. Though, so do a lot of aliens you guess, which is weird, but you try not to think about that too much.

“So, do y’all just want to do like, a Q and A sesh?”

“Yeah that sounds just perfect. Lets start basic, who are you and what brought you to earth?”

“Alright, uh, we are going from left over there to right, Roxy Lalonde, Rose Lalonde, Jade Harley, and John Egbert, and of course I’m Dave Strider, who you might know from the internet. I have a beloved webcomic? No? Okay, we are inter… universal, dimensional, and chronal travelers who have been looking for a universe with human, or at least yaknow, sentient life.”

“This is the first earth we have found that is alive.” Rose added.

“To be fair this only like…” John tapped his chin thoughtfully, “the fifteenth earth?”

“No, John, we’ve seen a ton, we only have you come to the ones with an atmosphere.” Jade corrected.

“Oh. That’s fair. Same with Alternia?”

“Nah, we’ve only found like, a dozen Alternia’s.” Jade shrugs.

“Oh… Okay? Lets… do another question. What are your intentions with earth?”

“We just want to live somewhere with people for awhile.” Jade answered. “We’ll live here for a while, find some little place in the country, relax. You know. Normal stuff.”

“I am considering attending university. Perhaps getting a degree in psychology.” Rose added.

“Really?” Tony asked, incredulous.

“What? Were you expecting world domination? We never got to live on our homeplanet before, not really. So, we kind of want to take some time and just live. World domination comes later, if we feel like it.”

“I think she’s joking.” Her brother drawled. Psuedo brother. You wonder what that means.

“Okay… How old are you?” Tony read the next question. He had compiled a list the night before from everyone, putting the simplest at the top and slowly getting to the more specific things.

“Good question.” John snickered.

“Twenty one… ish?”

“Listen Time got fucky for a while, but we estimate between twenty one and twenty six.” Dave shrugs.

“At most we are thirty… unless you count alternate layered memories and other things that might affect our mental age.” Jade chewed on her lip while she thought. “Then it could get up past one hundred.”

“Why do you have alternate… memories?” Dr. Strange asked.

“Okay so… Dave and Rose have a much more active form of interaction with alternate timelines, but the rest of us get bleed over too, in the end. We all have a certain types and amounts of powers, and after we… completed our tasks we gained access to a much broader set of powers connected to our aspects.” Jade struggled through her explanation.

“That… doesn’t actually explain anything, but we can move on… Whats an aspect?”

Jade looked amongst her peers who all simultaneasly looked away and refused to make eye contact. She sighed. “Aspects are elements of the universe that we each embody or… are challenged by? Okay… So… They are both physical and symbolic, or interpretive… can we skip this question?”

“Sure… How do you move between universes?”

“Oh that’s an easy one! Finally. When we discover that everything in a universe dies early in its alpha timeline we skip to the end of the timeline and catalyze a green sun reaction using our powers combined, and then use its energy to fire ourselves to the next.”

“You know that only raises more questions right?”

“I… guess it does. Uh, the green sun gives me power? Because I’m part first guardian.”

“What is that? What are those?”

“Oh, uh, the first guardian is a powerful entity that has incredible space based abilities and is powered by the green sun? Which is a star that is made when two universes are destroyed, or when void, time, space, and hope come together and make a special catalyst. Does that help?”

“Not really, actually.”

“Ah. Uhm. If we have six or seven hours I could probably give you a basic idea of how we use the green sun, if not much else?”

“Later, I think.” Steve interjected. “Who are the others you mentioned and do they share your goals? Lets see… Vriskers, Terezi, Calliope…”

“They are our friends, and yes they share our vision of the future…” Rose’s eyes turned to John. “More or less.”

Soon the others also turned their attention to him, eliciting a grimace. “What? Why are you looking at me?”

A beat of silence followed.

“She’s not that bad!” He exclaimed. “Really!”

“You don’t need to concern yourselves with them, I promise.” Rose turned back to the Avengers.

“Are you sure, because John doesn’t seem to be.”

“If they intended to harm anyone, there isn’t a thing you could do to stop them, so it would be best to assert yourselves elsewhere.” Rose’s voice seems to make a stab at comfortingly aloof, but doesn’t quite make it.

“What she means is… We won’t let them do anything evil.” Jade says, looking between Rose, who was smirking aloofly, and John, who was looking away.

“They aren’t evil.” John grumbled. “Just morally grey, and trying to be better.”

“That’s all very ominous you know.”

“Get used to it.” Dave shrugged.

“Sometimes that just how it be you know.”

“Okay, okay… Who among you is most powerful?”

You suddenly realize that’s not a very trusting question.

“Hmm. Powerful in what way?” Rose says, while everyone else glances at Jade.

“Its Jade.” John said, to nods and affirmations from the rest, including Rose.

“Jade is certainly the most potent.” Rose reiterated.

“Without a real green sun, that potency is very brief.” Jade points out.

“I guess, but like, you can move planets and stuff. We can just ruin them.” John says. “But my powers have pretty much no energy drain, so I guess that factors in? But at the same time the seers ability to find good roads is super important…”

“Its complicated.” Roxy shrugs, leaning back in her chair.

“Your powers.” Steven says. “What kind of magic is it? Its like nothing I have seen, or studied.”

“Its not magic.” Jade says simply. “I mean… It is I guess? Sometimes? That kind of cuts to the heart of the question of what magic really is…” Jade’s attention turned away from answering the question, suddenly more interested in the question it raised. “Rose uses her wands to manipulate a form of destructive energy, depending on your interpretation of the universe it could be considered manipulating Breath or Space, maybe even Void? But that’s different, because the rest of our powers operate above that, our power is hardcoded to the universe, or acts above its code, so with hat considered is it magic or are we just forces of nature? Alpha Rose had magic but not Seer powers, as far as we know, so…”

“And, just like the last twenty times we talked about this, we come back to the same conclusion of ‘eh, its kinda ambiguous.’” Dave drawled.

“Hey lets take ten, get some snacks, meet amongst ourselves, ya know, stuff like that. The kitchen is up the stairs and to the right, mini bar is full stocked.” Tony decided to cut in. The elementals? Gods? Mutants? Aliens? Exchanged looks, reacted with various looks ranging from Roses calculated indifference, to Dave’s flat affect, to Jade’s anxious glance at John and Roxy’s matching grins. They blinked away in a cascade of eye aching colors and you were left alone with your fellow Avengers.

“Okay team. Lets review. We have learned that there are at least eleven of them in total, but there are probably more. Like the lizards we saw. I should probably ask about that, don’t know why they weren’t on the list already…”

“They are powerful on an unprecedented scale.” Strange said. “And Jade has two forms of power, one of which exhausts her in the absence of a green sun and the other is unclear. They all exist across multiple timelines and can move through time at will without the same problems that I might cause with the time stone. They also have traveled through dozens of different universes and found only devastation and apocalypse in each, but apparently not here, which may be important.”

“They don’t plan on doing anything supervillainy in the short term, but it seems like there is some intra group contention…”

“So, what now?”

“Now… We ask more questions, I guess.”

 

What followed was chaos. When four of the group returned to the waiting Avengers, somethings were clearly different. Roxy was missing, and it seemed that this John was tired, as he slumped against Dave as they walked in. The first and last coherent question they got answered was ‘where is Roxy?’. She and John had apparently decided to, in Daves words, “fuck off to skaia knows where.” Which made the sleepy, apparently future/present John grin.

After thirty minutes of winding paths paved with incomprehensibility and trolling it was decided that they would be given a room at the compound, as both a symbolic gesture and a reason for the ultra-powerful beings to check in with them occasionally without explicitly saying “we don’t know you and you scare us.”

This seemed like a good idea at first. When Tony poked his head inside that room, three days after the meeting, he found it tastefully decorated with unnerving but strangely interesting paintings of horses, and a single white door set into the wall on the other side of the room.

“A tomorrow problem.” Tony thought, closing the door and continuing to the workshop. “definitely a tomorrow problem.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like this chapter. It took a long time, its not very funny, and its really short. But Maybe now that this is done i can move on to the other things i have partially written.
> 
> Also it frustrates me on a metaphysical level that this shitpost of a fic has the only title I’ve ever given to a fanfic and liked.


	4. Man, if there were two gods on a meteor and one killed the other with a rock, and then they came back, how awkward would that be?

You almost think that’s the end of it. As though life would go back to whatever normal was for Steve Rogers these days. The quiet meals among friends, the training, the occasional mission. Three days pass and everything seems so ungodly normal.

On that fourth day you smell the delicious aroma of fluffy pancakes wafting from the kitchen, and find yourself drawn there. You expect to see the usual breakfast crowd, a dead eyed Tony, a quiet Rhodey, and either Vision or Bucky cooking.

You turn the corner to find a odd mix of people you know, specifically Sam and Bucky, and people you don’t. A somewhat thicker set woman who looked almost like a female John Egbert, a stick of a man with pointy shades who was a good head shorter than the first, though that still put him less than an inch shorter than yourself. Roxy was sprawled out on the table beside him, looking at the other two and grinning widely. The one helming the pancake production was a man of average height and build, dressed in a sharp white suit and fedora and chewing on an unlit pipe.

Oddest however, was the stately, gently glowing woman with multicolored horns and a fashionable floor length dress who appeared to be next in line for pancakes, though she was wielding a tray instead of a plate. She was taller than the largest of the humans, easily nine feet of glowing wiry alien.

“Hey cap, have you met Kanaya?” Sam asks you, looking up from his food.

“Greetings, ‘Cap.’” She smiles eloquently and nods.

The fedora clad man puts two plates of pancakes on her tray, along with an assortment of other breakfast delights.

“Thank you, Mr. Crocker. I will see you all later.” She gently smiled at those gathered before blinking out of existence.

“Do you ever get used to that?” Sam asked, looking at… Jane, you think.

“Hm, no not really.” She answered Sam, before turning back to the conversation she had been having. “Roxy, I believe that another game of strip poker would be just as… It wouldn’t go better than the last five.”

“I think the last one went pretty well.” Dirk shrugged.

“Ha! I cant believe Johnny still thought he was totes straight after that.”

“Listen Rox, we said no homo, we high fived before during and after. It was totally straight and platonic. Just some fun between bros. A bro-job, if you will.”

“I wont.” Jane rolled her eyes.

“Pfffffft. Maybe its just a fetish for royalty, Princes and Kings all around?”

“I deeply wish that you would stop discussing this.” Jane grumbled.

“You’ve done this five times?” Sam asked, eyebrow raised.

“Oh no, we did it a lot more than that. We were on the meteor for a long time. We did a lot of things, and you know how it is. A year later and all the awkwardness kind of fades away and you just vaguely remember seeing all your attractive friends doing frisky things and macking on a gender neutral cat person.”

“But, once you’ve done it five times everyones been naked around eachother, and more than half the people in the group are in one big polyamorous hurricane. It pretty much just turned into the Roxy Cabal Foreplay Session.” Dirk tapped his chin. “Though, admittedly, watching Terezi just nail John repeatedly with penalty cards is pretty choice.”

Roxy giggled. “I bet.”

“The first couple of times were super awkward. Both during Hell Year. They were awkward but kept with the spirit of awkward teenage experimentation, unlike… yeah.” Jane said, shrugging at the end.

“It got a lot more fun after we started the cheating rules.”

“Cheating rules?”

Roxy grinned and bounced into an explanation. “Yeah, basically we could cheat as long as we didn’t get caught. If we did we’d have to do a dare, and if you called out someone who wasn’t cheating then you had to do a dare. Unfortunately that meant that Janey or John were guaranteed to win every game. Well, Janey was, John only played when Terezi did, so he could screw her over. It really wasn’t even strip poker after we added all the rules.”

“Their tricksters gambits upped when they tricked us, which made them better at tricking us so they tricked us more…”

“Broke as hell gambits.”

 

After that morning in the kitchen the more alien aliens, the trolls, started showing up more and more. First it was mostly the tall regal woman and the shortest of the entire group, a small red eyed man with nubby horns and no volume control. About a week later a relatively short ram horned woman started showing up with a lanky four horned man, their dispositions so diametrically opposed, morbid cheer against flat grumpiness.

 

And then one day Steve walks into the Olympic pool room planning on doing some swimming and finds John and Roxy carrying two aliens he had never met up to this point on their shoulders, swords drawn. On Johns thickly muscled shoulders sat a just as built woman with horns like a Scorpio sign. She was wearing a blue one piece swimsuit with a yellow Scorpio symbol on her chest. Facing her down was a lankier woman in a teal two piece with red highlights and a grin like a Jaws poster.

 

"You'll never take me alive Pyrope!" The blue one hacked through the air in between them.

 

"Lucky there’s no quarter for pirates then!" The sharp horned woman lunged nearly knocking Roxy off balance, but she managed to get her foot down in front of her before she fell. John giggled seeing her nearly fall.

 

"HHAh! They are vulnerable! Crew prepare for ramming speed!" She slapped John twice on the forehead

 

"Aye aye Captain!" John grinned, and started charging through the water at the other… ship?

 

"BRACE!" The teal one screeched seconds before being bowled over, the Scorpio tackling her off of Roxy's back.

 

Roxy and John stayed standing, hands locked together as they tried to push each other under. It seemed pretty fairly matched, neither gave more than an inch as the two trolls wrestled in the water behind them. Then the shark woman gave a squawk because the Scorpio had apparently torn off her top, and Roxy used the moment of distraction to flip John fully over her head, out of the water, and back in with enough force to make the water blast away from them. She didn't quite secure victory as she came tumbling into the water after John, who had grabbed her wrist mid air. The whole room was suffused with raucous laughter and more than a couple chokes to remove water from lungs.

 

Steve decides to go for a jog instead.

 

 

Thor still hasnt gotten any real answers. He managed to corner John for a moment, and ask some questions. No real answers, the windy thing meant little to him, and the words Breath and Light and Time and Space sounded so different when one of the foreign gods uttered them. As though the universe itself was uttering them alongside the young gods.

 

The storm itself had bowed before John in Wakanda. Thor wasn't so in touch with fate and fortune, but he suspected that the universe had bent itself to Rose just as much. And then that night, when they had resurrected the fallen, of earth and asgard, death itself had been reversed at their fingertips. The other Avengers called them mutants, or aliens. Thor had considered telling them of what he knew. He decided against it. The young gods were allowed their privacy after all.

 

Besides, getting on the bad sides of beings that had the fabric of reality at their beck and call seemed foolish.

 

"So why didnt that healing spell i keep hearing about heal Rhodey's spine?" Tony stark asks Jane one day while she tends the strange garden she started in the airlock between the compound and the place where they resided. The ceiling had been given sun roofs despite being floors underground. The night sky that was visible through them sometimes had a beautiful view of the milky way though.

 

Jane stopped stirring for a moment, a thoughtful look on her face. "Do you want the real answer, or something that is less infuriating and make more sense?" She went back to stirring.

 

"Real, please."

 

"Hm. His injury… It's important to him. I heard he got it by crashing, friendly fire, the works. It was pivotal in his life up to this moment, but thats not really important. No, you see, he is recovering with his injury. Despite it. Were it not so important to how he sees himself now, as a person, I could heal it."

 

"Are you telling me you cant heal it… because of character growth? That's insane."

 

"Yes, it is insane. In theory Dirk and I could heal it, but that gets into some strange territory I'm not sure you want to get into. Oh! or Halquius could make him a pair of robotic legs! I'm sure Kanaya would be more than happy to help with the amputation."

 

"Uh, I think that recovery is probably better than… either of those options."

 

It was bound to happen eventually, sooner or later the damn was going to break, so it might as well be this day. Shuri and Peter and Jade had all been hanging out in Starks workshop, apparently Jade had been trying to explain quantum dynamics and how they interacted with the universal constants that Paradox Space contained, and somehow the conversation had moved to Trolls and then to quadrants. At some point the conversation moved to the common room that the wayward heroes all shared, and Steve tried to listen in on Jade try to explain the difference between flushed, pale, and human romance.

 

And then Karkat had overheard, and, after railing against Jade's poor grip of diamonds or something he summoned everyone to a conference room for a proper explanation on the romantic shenanigans of the inter-dimensional travelers or whatever they were, and then to explain how the alien romance system works.

 

 

Your name is Clint, superhero name Hawkeye, and you only showed up to have a good time. Looking around you see main squad, Tony, Steve, Bruce, Thor, and Natasha all sitting at the front of converence table, as well as Peter and Shuri giggling awkwardly at the back a couple seats from you.

 

At the front stands Karkat looking at a whiteboard in deep consternation, and beside him is Dave Strider, and the concern pulling at his mouth is the most you think you've ever seen him properly emote. You take a moment to fiddle with your hearing aids and Roxy and Rose slip into the room, both look like they know what is coming and while Rose seems incredibly amused by it all Roxy is blushing like shes about to have her greatest embarrassments put on display. Or perhaps it is a blush of some form of guilt. You know from your brief attempts to understand their group dynamic that she was somehow embroiled in what they constantly reference as Hell Year and The Fallout.

 

"ALLRIGHT BULGE SUCKERS." Karkat shouts, whipping around to stare you all down. "I AM COMPLETELY AWARE THAT THIS BULLSHIT FESTIVAL WON'T DO A DAMN THING TO ACTUALLY CLEAN UP YOUR FUCKING ACTS, BUT IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR AT LEAST SOME OF YOU DUMBASSES TO UNDERSTAND THE FUCKED UP AND CONFUSING MESS THAT IS THE WEB OR RELATIONSHIPS THESE ASSHOLES HAVE WEAVED OUT OF THE BLOODY ENTRAILS OF TROLL AND HUMAN ROMANTIC CUSTOM. THE FIRST STEP WILL BE TO DESCRIBE HOW THE HUMANS ON BOARD OUR METEOR PERCEIVED ROMANCE, AND THE SECOND WILL BE TO DESCRIBE HOW THE TROLLS ON SEE IT. THEN, FINALLY, I WILL EXPLAIN TO YOU IN BRIEF DETAIL THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING CATASTROPHE THAT SOME OF US HAVE MADE OF TWO RELATIVELY REASONABLY SYSTEMS."

 

"FIRST, WE HAVE HUMAN ROMANTIC CONNECTION. A HUMAN SIGNIFICANT OTHER, BOYFRIEND, OR GIRLFRIEND, IS, IN DAVES WORDS, "PRETTY MUCH A BEST BRO YOU GET DOWN AND DIRTY WITH". IT IS CONCILIATORY AND CONCUPISCENT, IN OTHER WORDS. HUMAN SIGNIFICANT OTHERS ARE ALSO GENERALLY MONOGAMOUS. APPARENTLY IN THE CULTURE THAT THE STRILONDE HARLEYBERTS COME FROM IT IS ALSO NORMATIVE FOR RELATIONSHIPS TO BE BETWEEN ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE, AND THEY HAVE SOME WEIRD FUCKED UP OTHER GENDER NORMS THAT BASICALLY MADE EVERYONE'S LIVES MORE COMPLICATED THAN THEY NEEDED TO BE."

 

"SECOND, TROLL ROMANCE KNOWN AS THE QUADRANT SYSTEM. TROLL'S IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING WE FUCKED UP SO ROYALLY IN OUR SOCIETY, ACTUALLY HAD SOME PRETTY SOLID IDEAS WHEN IT CAME TO ROMANCE. OUR QUADRANTS SHARE SYMBOLS WITH YOUR CARD SUITES, HEARTS, DIAMONDS, SPADES, AND CLUBS. HEARTS AND SPADES ARE CONCUPISCENT WHILE CLUBS AND DIAMONDS ARE CONCILIATORY. TO START-"

 

"Hearts is all the lovey feely fucky stuff from a human relationship, while diamonds is basically platonic soulbros who help eachother be functional members of society by dealing with emotions. Spades is when two people aggravate eachother soooo much that they want to fuck and clubs is what happens when a third person has to come in and make sure the spades dont fuck eachother or innocent bystanders to death."

 

"THANK YOU DAVE FOR YOUR OH SO HELPFUL EXPLANATION. SO, DID YOU ALL GET THAT OR DO YOU NEED A PROPER EXPLANATION?" No one raises their hands. "NO?" You consider it, but the loud alien seems tangent prone and you are rethinking your original plan to ask dumb questions. "REALLY? OKAY, WELL, TO FURTHER ILLUSTRATE THESE CONCEPTS I WILL NOW EXPLAIN THE RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS OF OUR LITTLE CREW." He erases the quadrant diagram he drew on the whiteboard and walks to the bottom left corner and draws his own face, and then a line connecting to a little Dave face and adds a colored in heart beside it. "THIS SOLID HEART WILL REPRESENT HUMAN ROMANCE. DAVE AND I ARE HUSBANDS-" He draws another line connecting his own face to a little Kanaya face, and then draws a diamond floating beside the line. "KANAYA IS MY MOIRAIL, OR PLATONIC SOUL BRO, OR DIAMOND, HOWEVER YOU WANT TO SAY IT. SHE IS HUMAN MARRIED-" he pauses again as he draws a line from Kanaya's face to Rose's and adds another filled in heart, "TO ROSE LALONDE. SIMPLE RIGHT? ROSE AND DAVE ARE SOMETHING LIKE MOIRAILS," he draws the appropriate connection. "AND ROSE HAS SOMETHING OF A KISMESIS IN JASPROSE, WHO I DONT THINK YOU HAVE MET." He draws a line with a spade beside it from Rose to… another Rose with a pointy hat. Rose herself gives him a little glare but doesn't dispute it. "SIMPLE RIGHT? NO VACILATION, NO HUMAN POLYAMORY, NO INSANE PRANK WARS. JAKE AND DIRK ARE IN AN ON AGAIN OFF AGAIN MATESPRITESHIP, AND FINALLY WE WRAP AROUND TO DAVEPETA WHO ISNT CURRENTLY IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT THEY ARE APPARENTLY IN NEGOTIATIONS WITH THE CLUSTERFUCK NOW THAT JOHN HAS COME TO HIS FUCKING EPIPHANY AT THE HANDS OF BLACK MEOWBEAST."

 

"NOW FOR THE PART THAT IM SURE ALL YOU CHUCKLEFUCKS ARE REALLY HERE FOR, THE MASSIVE TANGLE OF QUADRANT CRIMES THAT EXPLODE OUTWARD FROM JOHN FUCKBERT HIMSELF, PREPARE TO LOOK UPON THE RESULT OF WHAT WE IRONICALLY REFER TO AS HELL YEAR. FIRST, LET US CLARIFY ON EXACTLY WHY WE CALL IT HELL YEAR, AND WHY WE DONT REFER TO THE TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES THAT MADE UP THE FOUR PRECEDING YEARS WITH SUCH REVERENCE. LOOK AT THE ELEGANT SIMPLICITY THAT OUR RELATIONSHIPS FORM OVER HERE IN THE CORNER, ITS PEACEFUL, PLEASANT, AND PRIVATE. THEY CAME TOGETHER BY STORIES THAT WILL BE TOLD TO OUR WRIGGLERS, BUT THEY ARE STORIES THAT TOOK PLACE BEHIND CLOSED DOORS AND IN PRIVATE." He draws a dumb rendition of John's face with his pupils pointing out in the center of the board.

 

"Hey, first of all, i jus wanna go on recurd an say that it really wasn't that bad, everryone else is jus melodramatic." Roxy huffs.

 

"I think if you had been on the other side, sitting with your wife and watching the six of you circle around each-other in an awkward and destructive dance of flirtation and teenage emotion you might have a different judgement of your own situation."

 

As the… sisters? bickered, Karkat has drawn more faces, but you note that John and Roxy seem to share the very center of the board.

 

"ANYWAY, BEFORE WE GET STARTED ON THIS MESS? YES, YOU IN THE BACK." Karkat pointed at you first, no doubt because he didn't know you and knew what everyone else was probably going to ask.

 

"What is Davepeta? Sometimes you add sprite to their name? Whats up with that?" You ask, out of genuine curiosity rather than any want to cause trouble. The few interactions you have had with the person were… mystifying.

 

"SOMETIMES WHEN THE CORPSES OF A CROW, A DAVE, AND A TROLL LOVE EACHOTHER VERY MUCH AND GET THROWN INTO A METAPHYSICAL CONSTRUCT THEY MAKE A SPRITE, AND WHEN YOU KILL THAT SPRITE ON A SLAB OF ROCK SOMETIMES YOU MAKE A PERSON." Karkat says, raising about a dozen more questions in everyone's minds. "YOU NEXT." He says pointing at Shuri.

 

"Why do trolls have a whole cultural thing for… hate… love?" She ask's.

 

"IM GLAD YOU ASKED, BECAUSE THE WAY STRIDER EXPLAINED IT MADE IT SOUND JUST LIKE CONSTANT HATE FUCKING. NO, A KISMESIS IS ABOUT RIVALRY, AND FRUSTRATION, AND PASSION. JOHN EGBERT ACTUALLY IS IN A VERY GOOD AND STABLE KISMESIS, EVEN IF ITS A CRIME AGAINST QUADRANTS BECAUSE IT VACILLATES PALE OF ALL THINGS!" Karkat finishes in a growl, drawing Terezi's face on the board and connecting it to Johns with a squiggly line, and then draws a spade on one side and a diamond on the other. "WHAT A GOOD KISMESISITUDINAL RELATIONSHIP IS REALLY ABOUT IS PERSONAL BETTERMENT AND ONE-UPMANSHIP, THOUGH ROUGH AND VIOLENT SEX IS AS MUCH A PART OF IT AS NORMAL SEX IS HUMAN LOVE. SO BASICALLY NEXT TIME YOU SEE JOHN PLAYING A PRANK ON TEREZI, OR HER GOING TO GREAT LENGTHS TO MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE, KNOW THAT IT IS SHAMELESS FLIRTING. YOU NEXT." He points at Peter, apparently just going systematically through the room.

 

"Okay I actually, uhm, you know what, what is vacillation?" Peter fumbles through his question, obviously trying to parse the information and apply it to his experiences with the group.

 

"A VERY GOOD QUESTION. QUADRANT VACILLATION IS WHEN A RELATIONSHIP SWITCHES BETWEEN TWO OR MORE QUADRANTS, FOR EXAMPLE, JOHN AND TEREZI'S UNUSUAL PITCH PALE VACILLATION, OR THE MORE COMMON PALE FLUSHED VACILLATION THAT WOULD BE ANOTHER WAY TO DESCRIBE HUMAN LOVE. PITCH AND FLUSH ARE ALSO COMMON COMPONENTS OF A VACILLATING RELATIONSHIP." Karkat looks to see if Peter understands, and he vaguely nods. You think this is all very strange, but you suppose it is an alien culture. You briefly wonder if the humans are actually human, as the shortest of them, Rose Lalonde, is still a good half a foot taller than you, and the largest, Jake you think, is a good nine feet tall.

 

You don't notice him point at Thor, who asks something about courtship practices, and proceeds to draw a lengthy explanation that include words like FILIAL PAIL, DRONE SEASON, and TROLL WILL SMITH, and you wind up tuning most of it out to instead focus on literally anything that isn't alien sex talk for a few minutes. You still manage to glean that the planet the Trolls are from had some horrifying practice of forcing everyone to contribute… genetic material to the… slurry at age eight, which you mentally translate to sixteen, under threat of culling. Steve asks why Troll culture made it all so complicated, and gets an earful about human romantic practices that actually amount to a rather searing critique of profiteering, emotional manipulation, repression, and general normative culture. It kinda makes you think. Tony asks about troll genitals, and everyone in the room blushes a little. You note that Roxy, Rose, and Dave, all share little smirks, before Karkat says they are hermaphroditic and to drop it, and Rose promises to draw him a diagram later. The way she smirks while she says that makes you deeply uncomfortable, and Karkat deeply indignant. Bruce withdraws his question, and Rose refers him to either John or Roxy if he's that curiuous about Troll biology. Roxy squeaks indignantly at that, and you try not to think too hard about what that means.

 

"ALRIGHT IF YOUR QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED, WE WILL MOVE ON NOW." Karkat says, pointedly ignoring Tony Starks raised hand. "IN THAT CASE W-" He tries to continue before Dave Strider sticks his head into the room and hands Dave Strider a piece of paper, making Dave Strider facepalm. With a whoosh John Egbert coalesces on one side of the room.

 

"I cant believe you guys didnt invite me to the quadrant talk! I'm practically an expert at th-" He is cut off by Terezi appearing in a flash of read light and dropping a bucket on his head, before both of them disappear in another flash of red with a Dave you hadn't noticed before that moment. Everything went quiet as the number and composition of your group returned to normal.

 

"Friday?" Stark asked the ceiling, which answered in a feminine voice. "Boss, there were five Dave Striders, Two John Egberts, Three Terezi Pyropes, and for a brief and inexplicable moment eight separate Vriska Serkets, all of whom seemed deeply confused and disoriented but disappeared in under a second. No records were broken."

 

"Stark, what was that?" You ask.

 

"Im having her note how many iterations of people show up at a given time. It's more hobby than anything else." He answers, like most of this meeting raising more questions than it answers.

 

"WELL WITH THAT BULLSHIT EITHER AVERTED OR AVOIDED, WE CAN CONTINUE TO THE ABSOLUTE CLUSTER FUCK THAT IS THE REST OF THIS BOARD. LETS START WITH ROXY. SHE HAS THE VENERABLE DESIGNATION OF ONLY COMMUTING CRIMES AGAINST THE HUMAN SYSTEM, AS SHE IS IN HUMAN LOVE WITH JANE," He draws as he speaks. "CALLIOPE, AND JOHN EGBERT. JANE AND CALLIOPE ARE ALSO IN HUMAN LOVE." He steps back and considers something for a moment, and then adds a Dave head with horns that you assume is supposed to be Davepeta right below John, and puts a question mark between them. "BECAUSE LETS FACE IT HE'S KIND OF A SLUT. ALRIGHT, SO, IN ADDITION TO BEING IN HUMAN LOVE WITH ROXY, AND HIS WEIRD QUADRANT VACILLATING CRIME WITH PYROPE, HE ALSO IS PALE WITH VRISKA, AND BY PALE WITH VRISKA I MEAN USUALLY THEY ARE PALE BUT THEY ALSO VACILLATE FLUSHED. VRISKA AND PYROPE ALSO VACILLATE BETWEEN FLUSHED AND PALE. WHICH PUTS HER IN A NEUTRAL POSITION BETWEEN THE PYROPE AND EGBERT, SO" He draws a clubs symbol in the triangle made by their relationships, "SHE'S THE ONE WHO STEPS IN TO MEDIATE BETWEEN THEM. AND SOMETIMES BETWEEN THEM AND US, BY WHICH I MEAN SHE STOPS THEM FROM STRIPPING EACHOTHER WITH THEIR TEETH IN FRONT OF US. DID I MISS ANYTHING LALONDE?"

 

Both Lalondes look at him. "I CLEARLY MEANT ROXY."

 

"Uhm, well… Me an Johnny have jams sometimes?" She shrugs, and he adds a little diamond below her line with John. "Also, liek, we have kinda had threeway jams with… all the humans, and most… no, all of the trolls. Includin you. well, that was more. Jam-orgy. Jamorgy. Jah-More-Gey. heh."

 

"IGNORING YOUR FLAGRANT PALE SLUTTINESS." You dont miss Karkats blush.

 

"Well… Im kinna, friens with benefits with both 'Rezi and Vriskers…" He quietly puts a dotted line between Roxy and Vriska, and another between Roxy and Pyrope. "I think that's it for the relationships."

 

"So what was hell year?" Peter blurts out.

 

"OH I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED. HELL YEAR WAS WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE THIS UNHOLY MESS EXISTED. ALL OF THE EMOTIONS SHOWN ON THIS BOARD? ALL BUBBLING. AND IF YOU THINK THAT THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN BETWEEN SIX ASSHOLES WITH THE POWER TO LAUGH IN THE FACE OF GODS AND FATE ITSELF WAS AWKWARD TEEN FLIRTING AND ANGST YOU ARE THE BIGGEST FUCKING IDIOT IN ALL OF PARADOX SPACE. NO, IT WASN'T AWKWARD FLIRTING, IT WAS ANGST AND DOUBT SPEWED AT ANYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN, MOODY GODS STALKING HALLS AND THE LEGITIMATE THREAT OF BAD LUCK CURSES, TRICKSTER ZEPHYRS, MIND BENDING VOID HALLWAYS, JANE REFUSING TO COOK AND INSTEAD CRYING IN HER ROOM, CALLIOPE BEING SAD… NOTHING IS WORSE THAN CALLIOPE BEING SAD. THE MAYOR BEING SAD IS A CLOSE SECOND. HIVEBLOCK SIGMA TEMPORARILY BECAME COMPLETELY UNUSABLE AFTER ROXY AND JOHN FILLED IT UP WITH SO MUCH VOID AND BREEZE THAT IT WAS LIKE A SHITTY HORROR GAME WHERE YOU NEVER DIE BUT YOU GET TRAPPED IN INFINITE HALLWAYS AND OCCASIONALLY OUTRIGHT TELEPORTED. FOR. A. YEAR. PM ACTUALLY STARTED TO GET ANNOYED WITH ALL THE SHENANIGANS. SURE, THE NEXT FOR YEARS HAD THEIR OWN HORRORS, MOSTLY INVOLVING JOHN AND TEREZI'S RESPECTIVE BULGES, BUT AT LEAST THE HALLWAYS WEREN'T LIKELY TO BE ACCIDENTALLY TRAPPED."

 

"Hell year was bad man. And like, these eyes? they've seen things man. Thats why I have to wear these sunglasses you know. Burnt my retinas all to hell with the things I've seen."

 

"Oh stop bein such a drama queen Daev."

 

"YOU HAVENT SEEN YOUR TECHNICAL CLONE MOM INVOLVED IN A CUNNILINGUS CONTEST HAVE YOU?" Dave shouted accusingly.

 

"Yup. I have actully." Roxy crossed her arms and stuck out her tongue at Dave. Rose blushed hard but otherwise stood tall and stoic. You are confused by their family dynamic even more now.

 

"Wait what really?" Dave jerked back in surprise.

 

"I had a… brief pitch fling with Vriska, and Kanaya got involved. It was all very… Hot." she coughed the last part, but even you caught it, at the back of the room. sure the high-tech Stark hearing aids helped, but still.

 

"Huh. well, damn Rox, turns out i ow you an apology, I'm sorry I doubted the horrors that you were subjected too as well."

 

"HAH, I LAUGH AT YOU, YOU THINK THATS BAD? IVE SEEN HALQUIUS AND DIRK. WITH SPECIAL APPARATUS." The other three beside Karkat went pale. Roxy lowered her face into her hands, Dave sagged, and Rose choked.

 

"Well, damn, I… I feel like I've just heard someone sing a forbidden verse they heard while standing on the Derse towers, listening to the whispers of the fucking horrorterrors. Karkat, you just passed on the curse, we're all tangle buddies now."

 

"Ugh, don't even say that Dave. I can feel their influence even here, just waiting and watching as always." Rose's eyes turned away, and suddenly it was like she was looking across space and time. Freaky.

 

"Oh, sorry Rose. I always… Sorry."

 

"Its fine, Dave. I know you meant nothing by it."

 

"Hey, uhm," Steve leaned forward. "You know, we have… psychiatrists. One's that deal specifically with supers. I actually talk to one myself you know. Its worthwhile."

 

"I appreciate the thought, Captain, but there is quite literally no one in this universe apart from ourselves who understands the losses we have seen, and It would be a truly grand sin to confess my sins and mistakes, and to share with some mortal the knowledge we have been forced to bear. We have seen things that would throw most into fits of madness, and we understand things that make the entire universe seem to fall apart. When we sought the face of god we found it in the mirror, and it was lacking."

 

"What she means by that is, it's probably better if we just have a jam later."

 

"Oh… okay." Steve said. You notice that Thor has started to look at the four at the front of the room, with a sort of odd recognition stirring behind his eyes.

 

"Uhm… I'm sorry but, what are these jams you keep referring to?" Shuri asks awkwardly, apparently trying to lighten the room again.

 

Karkat steps forward again, less sure of himself this time. "A FEELINGS JAM IS THE, UH, ACT OF PALE. OKAY, SO, THE LITTLE CALMING TOUCHES AND BACK RUBS AND ALL THE INTIMATE INTERACTIONS BETWEEN MOIRAILS IS LIKE KISSING BETWEEN MATESPRITES, AND A FEELINGS JAM IS SOMEWHAT ANALOGOUS TO SEX. UH, IT… DAVE YOU EXPLAIN IM NOT HAVING THE FUCKING JAM SESSION TALK WITH A BUNCH OF GROWN ASS HUMANS."

 

"So, when you do a feelings jam, you throw together a big ol' pile of stuff like your favorite pillows, maybe some magazines or somethin, nothin particularly breakable of course, and then you lay down on it an' cuddle and talk about everything. good things, bad things, you work out your traumas and hold hands and try and make sense of it all, ya know?" Karkat is now blushing far worse than he did during the sex talk that made YOU blush. That is… a bit weird.

 

"So when he called John and Roxy… Pale Sluts?" Peter mumbles out, but apparently Dave hears him.

 

"He meant it. They are like, bad feel sponges, you know? Like, Roxy and John are awesome Jam buddies. They… well, John wasn't very good with emotions as a kid. Still isn't in his own way, but he's always wanted whats best for us, you know? Friendleader stuff. But he's also like… Trauma resistant."

 

"Ive only seen him truly angry or saddened… perhaps twice? You should know, he and Terezi are never truly angry with each other. Ask him about how he feels about her if you want to complete your understanding of kismessitude. It is rather saddening, that while Alternia was a horrible, violent, and cruel place, that it's culture is all but lost, and there are only a scant few who will remember it, though I suppose the same is true for Earth A and B back in the Alpha timeline. I digress, the simple fact is that it took seeing his fathers fresh and bloody corpse to get him to be sad, and seeing my own mother beside him drove me into a fit of dark magic from which I nearly didn't emerge."

 

"And Roxy is just a barrel of sunshine, second only to Calliope. Its fucking ridiculous." Dave shrugged and Roxy waved off the complement with an awkward blush. "And she's legitimately very good at just, helping you talk out your problems. So anyway, once they figured out how to properly connect with people, well, at least the rest of us, they did their best to make us feel better."

 

"AND BY MAKE US FEEL BETTER HE MEANS PAP OUR BRAINS INTO A BIG GLOOPY PILE OF MUSHY FEELINGS."

 

"I feel like maybe I shouldn't be listening to all this…" Peter says.

 

"Perhaps, perhaps not. I suspect that the education you might have gotten on sex, sexuality, and relationships from you culture at large would be sorely lacking in applicability, and if there is anything you can take from the mess that we have made, it is that you should talk to the people you care for openly and honestly, and that friendships is just as important as sexual attraction. Although, I'll admit that if you want relationship advice it would be best to talk to John or Roxy, as I have been with Kanaya for the past seven years and dont have much experience outside of her. Apart from a brief and Ill advised pitch liaison, which is something i highly doubt you will find applicable in human culture."

 

"So hey, I know that this is a weird romantic TED talk, but you also said a LOT of ominous things and I'd like some clarification?" Tony interjects, leaning forward in his seat.

 

"Okay, I will answer you the best that I can." Rose says.

 

"So, what the hell is the Alpha Timeline?" Tony asks, and the group at the front freeze. Rose surreptitiously activates her weird little headband computer.

 

"Weeeeelllll, I just remembered that me an Karkles here have a cake to bake in ten minutes so I'm just gonna-" He cuts himself off as he and Karkat disappear in red silhouettes.

 

"Oh that reminds me to! I have to… punch… a doctor? I have an appointment you see~"and she disappears in a flash of nothing, which is quite disconcerting if you are being honest.

 

He turns to Rose and she holds up one finger, and he waits for about two seconds, and then as he opens his mouth to press for answers Kanaya appears in a flash of green, hugs Rose, and both disappear in the same flash.

 

"Okay what the fuck." Tony throws his hands up in frustration.

 

"Sorry, Tony. They really dont ever stop saying vague and potentially disturbing things." Steve tries to comfort him.

 

"Well, as enlightening as that whole experience was, I'm going to go try and forget everything I heard about their sex lives." You say, honestly kind of regretting this encounter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I now have a tumblr for wrting stuff, come yell at me if you're into that kind of thing.
> 
> https://epitomizedtyrant.tumblr.com/
> 
> Edit as of December 31st 
> 
> (Psst, if you want more you should throw some PROMPTS at that tumblr! Ill try to write some more of this lunacy!)


	5. Frustration is stored in the ROOF

 

Out of some act to promote a sense of solidarity, and to accommodate the growing number of itinerant members of the Avengers, Tony reopens the Avengers tower in New York. And soon enough a room is converted into a well kept liminal space between earth and wherever the Titan killers call their home.

 

You find John Egbert on the helipad of the Avengers tower, looking out over the night city. You note two things about him in the first moment you step out of the elevator. The first is that seeing him floating above a city seems incredibly right, like he is both larger than life and in some way above it all. The second thing you notice is the slump to his shoulders seems sad rather than casual, as it usually does. You approach, and stop about two feet from the edge of the pad. He floats a little in front of you, and now that you are close you can see something else. He's not all there, quite literally, little wisps of blue trail off of him, leaving gaps in his form. 

 

"Hey." you say, and he turns to face you without flinching. He probably felt you coming out. It's easy in your day to day interactions with the young men and women who came from wherever it is that they came from to forget exactly how huge they are, and in those moments you forget the way they move is packed with power and intent. They move as if the universe moves with them, and you wonder if perhaps it does. They have never given a reason for their vast and complex powers, nor a straight answer on their own origins. It's little things you pick up from eavesdropping and odd digressions, You know that John and Rose were raised by single parents, and they found their bodies at a young age. You know that they blame themselves for vast tragedies, and that they consider John Egbert and Karkat Vantas to be their leaders. You know that all of them save John have severe forms of post traumatic stress disorder, and none of them envy Johns lack of it. 

 

"Hey cap." He smiles a tiny smile, and his eyes remind you of Tony's arc reactor.

 

"Beautiful night." You open with small talk. 

 

"Yeah. It's incredible, this city. So many people, breathing, so much potential for change. I like this better, these little creations and tiny spurts of destruction. Its far better than the universe shifting kind."

 

"Thanos?" you ask, thinking of his promise to kill half the universe. John barks out a short 'Ha'.

 

"Nah, no. Thanos wasn't particularly impressive, in all honesty. He held a great deal of power, but he lacked imagination. I mean, it was still far more than anyone on earth, especially in this city, but.... in the grand scheme of it all his power didn't matter. Inconsequential is how Rose described it. She backtracked a bit and called it massive, but... I guess it's hard to think in numbers like half the universe after.... never mind. The point is that this city is incredibly alive, and it feels wonderful."

 

"You can feel the whole city then?" You ask.

 

"Kinda. I mean... the farther I push my attention out from myself the less physical form I tend to manifest. If I just gave myself over to the breeze completely I could probably feel the whole planet, or more. If I were a seer... probably wouldn't be anywhere in the universe someone could breathe and I couldn't sense it these days. I really got lucky."

 

"Heh. So what are you doing up here?"

 

"Just, cooling off I guess. Getting some perspective. I... uh, I feel guilty. Uhm, all the time pretty much. About things I can't control, never had a chance in hell of controlling, but still. I was still involved. and I couldn't fucking stop it, ANY OF IT! And all I can do to help my friends is pat them on the back and try to tell them that it's going to be okay. They didn't deserve to be saddled with all the shit the game threw at us, didn't deserve to be hurt." He calms down, but you notice he's completely corporeal again. You note the phrase, "The game", and make a mental note to confirm that they've mentioned it before with someone else. "Roxy had a nightmare. That's why I'm up here. Once we got her calmed down, I came up here. Couldn't go back to sleep."

 

"Worried about nightmares yourself?" You ask, and he shakes his head.

 

"Nah. I don't... Didn't anyone tell you? I'm trauma resistant. Its fucked up, but I wish... I wish I could feel sad in the way that they do. I feel like I've never truly mourned. I mean I feel sad, sometimes but... But I... I found my dad, dead, beside Rose's mom. their blood was all mixed together on that stupid chessboard. Jack had... taken trophies. Rox-, uhm, Momlondes scarf and Dad’s hat. Rose felt, that day. She was sad and angry and she still has nightmares about it. Sometimes. I frowned, and felt sad. I didn't cry. I just wish that I had suffered instead of my friends. It's not like i want to be punished for my fuck ups, I just wish that I could take away their pain. It's dumb, but... I'm supposed to be some kind of leader, but what have I ever been able to fix for them? All I can do is help them stay together one day to the next.."

 

"Thats admirable in its own right, you know. You can't fix people, no one can. They aren't broken. I think that's a bad way to see people. You cant look at someone and see a project you need to fix, you have to see a person you can help. I think that's true of everyone. You just have to be there for them. I didn’t used to understand that..."

 

"You're right. I know that, I guess, I just want simple solutions. Things I can hit with a hammer until everything's okay again. Life was easier when there were still threats. Whatever we were feeling in the moment? Pushed aside, because there were things that had to be done. Ever since we won we have to deal with things like feelings and emotions, like some kind of person." He says, humor starting to return to his face.

 

And then it all fell away again. He frowned and turned to the city. "It's fucking pathetic isn't it. Im out here complaining about not having nightmare's while my friends are in there tossing and turning and remembering all the tragedy and pain they've been put through."

 

"Its not." You say. "Honestly, I understand, at least a little. Bucky... he's been through so much. Stark too. And Nat... All of them. Every single one of them has endured torture and worse, and not one of them deserved it. I'd take it all if I could." 

 

John nods, though he stays turned away from you so you can't see his expression. "We've seen all... this-" He gestures towards the city. "Die. Earth A, our earth. There was nothing we could do to stop it, even though we were a part of the process that killed it. That killed off all of humanity, in our timeline. We watched the meteors turn our home into a wasteland. We didn't mourn. We were weird kids, and our guardians came with us, though they all died that day. Bluh, Day. It felt like years had passed in the span of less than twenty four hours. Well, I geuss Jade's grandpa died before, but he was there too. You think the timeline gets weird now, you should have been there when we had eighty Dave's. Sorry, got off topic. Anyway. I guess, what I'm trying to say is... I don't know. I guess I wasn't really saying anything.

 

He paused for a moment. You keep quiet, he seems like he’s ready to just spill and you are more than happy to let him. “I feel like I brought a lot of baggage with me from Earth A too. Toxic masculinity Dave called it. And ingrained homophobia? Like, I was totally fine with my best friends being in homosexual relationships, but even in the face of overwhelming evidence I wouldn't accept my own bisexuality, because of some weird self image complex? I thought, like, no I’m totally straight, all these guys are hot because I've been around them and know them really intimately, and in hindsight man that is exactly the opposite of proof? But like... Anyway. I guess I just feel like I brought some of the worst things about Earth A with me, and none of the awesome stuff, like corny movies and Problem Sleuth. Did you know like ninety percent of our media is exactly the fucking same? Like, why the fuck is Nick Cage a universal fucking constant? The trolls have a Nick Cage! and a Will Smith! called Troll Will Smith! Or like, his non actor name was Wiliam Smiith? but still! And out of all of that, this universe doesn't have Problem Sleuth OR Midnight Crew? The universe is arbitrary and awful."

 

"That is... pretty weird? And... You cant blame yourself for the culture you grew up in, you know. I didn't know that you had... lost your whole world. I geuss I’ve heard it mentioned but..." It hadn’t really sunk in, that they were the literal last of their human species.

 

"We lost a hell of a lot more than that. Ultimately. We didn't tell you because... there are certain things about ourselves that we agreed to keep secret. That wasn't technically one of them, but... we dont want to ruin this earth for ourselves. We never had the chance to have a real life, and... we aren't stupid, we know we cant truly, like, be people here. But we can, a little, with you Avengers. And we don't want to lose that."

 

"Okay... I wont push you, but... can you give me some idea? Like it won't come around to bite us will it?"

 

"No. No, it's nothing moral or ominous. It's just something about the nature and scale that would imply things we... don't want implied."

 

"Okay. okay. You saved a lot of people killing Thanos. And all the things that you guys have been doing on the side. We believe you... The Avengers believe you are truly benevolent. We won't turn on you."

 

"I know. It's not that. I almost wish it was."

 

A comfortable silence falls. 

 

"You guys have been through some awful things. I'm sorry that we didn't arrive earlier. Isn't that the worst? It's always the things I can't control that i feel sorry for. I guess that means im doing something right, but it doesn't feel any better."

 

"Were you... do you know about the "Civil War"?"

 

"A bit." John shrugs.

 

"It was a tough situation. I made a lot of bad decisions, Tony made a lot of bad decisions... we forced our friends and allies to choose sides. We never should have let any of it happen, but it did. We fought, and people got caught in the crossfire. I... still don't know if the Sokovia accords, or the current revised accords are good, or fair, or anything. I stay up at night wondering if i made the right choice there."

 

This time the silence is pregnant, John looks at you, checking to see if you want to continue.

 

"I didn't have any wisdom to share, I just wanted to reciprocate the sharing, a little. I didn't lose a whole planet, whole cultures... But I got frozen in the forties. I missed more than sixty years of the world growing and changing. My friends and family from where I grew up, everyone I knew, they were all dead by the time I woke up."

 

After a moment, John is looking away again. Back into the city. "I'm not their John. Im from a doomed timeline, I... Their John died when he was thirteen, and Jade had to be alone for three years. Their Davesprite too. And Roxy. Well, their Roxy was sixteen, but thats not really the point. We... We're better now. But it was hard at first. I've seen my friends hurting, a lot and for a long time. They're happy now, we've been happy for a few years, but we have a place to belong now. And a place to rebuild. If anyone ever tries to hurt them again..." His fists clench at his sides. "I won't be merciful."

 

You can feel a change in the air, you can see a tightening in his shoulders. It's like a calm moment before a cataclysm, your heart tightens like the whole world might come crashing down at any second. You've never seen any of them like this, but you've seen others stand like this. You've seen Tony taking a stand against the Chitauri, you've seen T'Challa face you down, ready to fix the wrongs in the world. You've seen coiling power before. You know for a fact that the others are just a strong as John, you've seen them spar and some are stronger, even. You'd lay all the money you possess on the fact that every one of them shares this determination as well. 

 

Then he relaxes and turns back to you with a goofy smile and a casual slouch. "Heh, sorry. Didn't mean to dump all that on you. I guess Karkat is right, I really am a Pale Slut!" He cackles.

 

"You know, we have therapists. Tony actually hired a superhero therapist to come in every other day and have open office hours. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday." You offer.

 

"It's fine, really. Honestly I think my uh, friends, are more than enough for me. I really can’t overstate how good they are to me. I hope that I help them even a tenth as much as they've helped me. It's not just... It's not just my, well, depression I guess, that they've helped. They give me direction and purpose. Ha, wow, that got serious again. Must be something about being exposed to so much breath and potential for change. And actual change. I'm gonna head in and play a prank on 'Rezi before I get all serious again!" And he was gone, just a breeze rustling your hair and the sound of the city kept you company on the roof. What a strange man. 

  
  
  
  
  


The next time you find him up there he isn't alone. He and Roxy are sitting together looking out over the city. Not like you usually find them, sprawled out and casually resting on each other, but instead they are sitting about a foot apart, quietly talking. You turn to leave, but Roxy turns and greets you with a cheerful 'Hi Steve!' and waves you over.

 

"Hey." You greet as you get close, and John smiles and waves at you.

 

"We were just talkin' about how nice it is to be, ya know. Somewhere with people. I loved the carapacians, like, fo sho, but its diff. Not like, super thrilled about everything thats happenin on this planet, but ya know."

 

"I thought your earth had people?"

 

"Nah, Johnny's did, mine was Sea Hitlers Watery Apocalypse up in here. I lived in a little colony of carapacians. Chill dudes, but it's different. Even if there had been people, like, it's been a long ass time since we were on any kind of Earth."

 

"I was thinking about going to college." John said. "But I don't know what I would even go to learn. I missed all of highschool, although I guess i wound up making up for it on the trip. Just math and stuff, a bit of biology. History didn't really matter, since... yeah."

 

"And it's not like we need jobs or anythin. Liek, maybe to buy weird stuff like game systems, but even then we could just steal or make the money." Roxy shrugs. "We prolly shoulda thought about the future a lil more on the fuckin meteor journey, but like, we didn't even know if we'd ever find a habitable Earth. Or even more sapient life. We had little things o'course, I wanted to walk around a mall, and ride like, roller-coasters and shit. But we did that." 

 

John let the silence hang for a moment, but spoke before you come up with a response. "Rose is writing her depressing gay wizard books. Dave is making Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff into a musical animation. The trolls are all collecting what they remember about Alternia and Beforus and deciding what to keep and what to drop... Dirk and Halquuis are building weird horse robots. Jane is doing something to or with Crockercorp."

 

"And here we are, sitting around and debating the mechanics of a game that hopefully no one in the universe will ever play and drinking." And it is only in the moment of her mentioning it that you catch a whiff of alcohol. You watch as a martini glass appears in her hand, and she toasts with a square glass full of pleasantly dark liquid that John produces.

 

"Better that than hitting the lollipop." John mumbled over his glass after taking a swig. Roxy simply drained her tiny glass and started playing with the slippery rim.

 

"Is... that some kind of weird drug slang?" You ask tentatively. You like to think you have learned from Peters odd references to the kind flower and "420" but that was new to you.

 

"Hah, no, not slang. Its a Juju. Trickster mode is.... well, lets just say we have a complicated relationship with that particular artifact of unimaginable power." John snickers.

 

"Its pretty much... like... if you took a fuckin power star from the nintendos, and then added a buncha crack and aphrodisiacs. Then you'd have the fuckin... yeah. And its pretty fun, ya know, in the moment, but it aint so fun afterwords."

 

"Is that what those are called? Power stars?"

 

"Mebe? I only had the like, oldies when I was growin up. I had Super Mario 64, and Sunshine. I was more legend of Zelda and stuff like that. Kinda ironic in hindsight."

 

"Huh. I wonder if it says something that in a game all about maturity the temporary super power involves letting go of your adult inhibitions and just going wild."

 

"Maybe? I dunno, all that maturity stuff was kinda bullshit, if ya thought about it."

 

"Yeah, it really was. Everything important I learned I learned from my friends, and all the growth happened because and beside them."

 

"So what ur saying..."

 

"Wait."

 

"Iiiiiiiis..."

 

"Noooooooo"

 

"That teh real treasure was the friends and experiences u made along the way?"

 

"Fuck! I guess! I got a pretty sick hammer too though! So fuck that awesome hammer was the treasure."

 

"U love us!" Roxy said as she tackle hugged John, and for a moment you worry they will fall, but then you remember they can fly so it seems unimportant.

 

"Yeah, Yeah I really do." John says, and Roxy giggles into his chest.

 

You quietly leave as they chuckle and chat into the night. They seem so young. Sometimes you forget that they can fly, and you think for a moment that maybe those words mean more than you think they do.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The next time you find someone on the helipad it's Jade Harley. She's standing at the edge, looking out over the city. The twin tails of her hood, combined with her massive stature and black outfit make her an imposing figure. You walk over beside her and look out, trying to see if she is actually looking at something or just observing.

 

"It's frustrating. Not doing anything to help all these people." She says, unprompted. There is anger in her voice. "I could feed every hungry mouth, give everyone a home... Fuck, there is plenty of empty housing in the city. AND PLENTY OF FOOD! No one on this entire planet needs to starve. But.... Ugh. People are so fucking selfish. How do you stand it Steve? How do you respect these people who act so greedy when it all could be taken tomorrow? Don't they know? I could end this planet with a snap of my fingers, any of us could!" She growls. "And! And! Even knowing that the whole damn world could end in a heartbeat people still.... ARRGHH!"

 

Space seems to wobble at the edge of your perception. You don't really know what to say, so you quietly pat her back. 

 

"Dave thinks we shouldn't interfere. We are arguing about it, but until we decide, none of us are allowed to fix anything. Jane cant heal the earth, John can't fix the atmosphere... fuck. Sorry, I'm just pissed off. It doesn't matter that we are just vacationing here until we are ready to go back to work, you all still have to fucking live here. Even if it's your own faults that its dying. Well... I mean it’s not dying, but it’s going to be completely hostile to human life in like... I dunno. Two or three hundred years? Like, actual years, not... yeah."

 

You heard a lot of new things in that one sided conversation, but you only feel qualified to ask about a couple. You decide to start with "Vacation?"

 

"Huh?" She asks, like you caught her off guard. "Yeah, I mean, we aren't staying, we have responsibilities we promised to take care of elsewhere. It's not like it will be soon. We'll probably hang around for awhile."

 

"What does awhile mean for you guys?"

 

"At least fifty years. Could be a lot longer, depending on how progress goes. It's not like we are in a hurry or anything, we literally have all the time in the universe after all."

 

"What are you preparing for?"

 

"Huh? We haven't told you guys? We're gonna make a new troll planet. But like I said, that's a long time from now. For now, we are going to just... relax. Recover."

 

You look out at the city. “John mentioned that he could... feel some kind of potential for change, in the city. Breath.”

 

“Yeah. He’s a breath Aspect so. Im space, so I just feel... the physical space out there, as opposed to any metaphysical or paracausal energies.”

 

“... Oh.” You say, not really understanding half of what she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand this is the last of the stuff I had drafted last summer, yaaay.
> 
> I've got a "writing tumblr" where you could do such things as throw prompts at me if you want more of this silliness.
> 
> https://epitomizedtyrant.tumblr.com/


	6. Those Few Gods Who Meet Fury

Its early in the morning and you are sitting in the kitchen with Natasha, Tony, Rose, Roxy and John. The last two don’t stay long, eating a quick bite and waving good bye, off to do… whatever it was they did. You honestly had no idea where the strange young men and women got off too when they weren’t in the tower, which was usually the case.

A few moments after they left Nat put down the mug she had been sipping and turned to Rose. Tony slowed his scribbling, definitely paying attention to whatever was about to happen.

“They aren’t nearly as ok as they put on to be, are they?” Nat asks her softly.

Rose looks at her with suspicion, but not hostility. “What exactly do you mean, miss Romanov?”

“You all… The rest of you wear your hearts on your sleeve most of the time. You don’t try to hide when you are hurting.”

“A habit unlearned, I assure you. But you are somewhat correct, although not for the reasons you probably suspect.” Rose said in an uncharacteristically cold voice. “A fair observation nonetheless. I suppose you wish for explanation beyond mere acknowledgement?”

“You’ve helped us all a lot. I don’t want to push, but I also would like to help if I could, and knowing more would be a good thing I think.” Nat said. Tony dropped all pretense of being busy with other things and was now paying attention. You just sipped on your hot chocolate.

“We all fought and won. It was long and hard, and we gained power and knowledge that is… challenging for mortal minds to engage with. We’ve lost loved ones, friends, family. Innocence. We are intimately familiar with death. Roxy and John, and Terezi for that matter, somewhat moreso. I think that they see themselves as failures and attempt to be ultimately dependable as some sort of penitence. They are also very kind people, their kindness is genuine.”

“Why? Why do they see themselves that way?”

“Because… It’s because they come from an alternate timeline. John obtained a power in that timeline that allowed him to change the Alpha Timeline. Unfortunately, that killed the John from the timeline before the start of the first Journey, and then Roxy was killed later. She was replaced immediately. So, ultimately, they came back and saved the day by manipulating their past, and our futures.”

“But?”

“First they failed to save their friends. All of us died but them in that timeline. That’s where the close friendship between them, Terezi, and Davepeta came from, I believe. They share a sense of guilt. Being able to help us, emotionally, the way that they do also helps them. It makes them feel useful, I think. Is this explanation satisfying?”

“In a way, but I meant they don’t seem to have any acute trauma, whereas all the rest of you certainly do. I was just kind of worried they were hiding it and wanted to know of any landmines to avoid.”

“Ah, a good question actually. No.” Rose’s eyes didn’t quite meet Natasha’s as she spoke.

“Wait, what was that bit about the Alpha Timeline?” Tony leaned forward

“What was what about what?” Rose asked stoically, green eyepiece appearing over her eye.

“The Alp-” Rose disappeared in a green flash, “-ha Timeline… Damn it. Like, I can infer, but what if my educated guess is wrong.”

 

 

Steve Rogers knew that at some point Nick Fury was going to find out about the Aliens living in the tower. Part time living, sure, but they were still around often enough that it was bound to happen. You, Tony, and Thor are meeting with Fury in the living room of the tower, less formal than normal as it was merely a check-in and not an official event or something equally ostentatious. More importantly there is a moment of comfortable silence, broken by the approach of a loud Texan drawl.

"-eriously you'd think the coffee shops around 'ere had never seen two dudes bein' bros before."

"At least you didn't get us kicked out. And I'm pretty sure they were just looking at us because I'm a fucking alien you bulgemunching idiot." A loud voice you recognized as Karkat answered.

"Hey, I keep tellin ya the Salt'n'Pepper diner jus' has no taste in classical music." Dave explains as he and Karkat turn the corner, dressed down in casual clothes instead of their usual godhoods.

Stark puts his face in his hands as Fury slowly turns to look at him. "Would you like to introduce me to your guests, Mr. Stark?" He asks, and the two intruders freeze.

"Fury," Stark sighs, not bothering to play it off, "Meet Dave Strider and Karkat Vantas, alien refuges who have taken up part time residence here at the Avengers compound."

"Sup." Dave nods.

"Greetings, Fury." Karkat says with odd formality.

Fury nods politely in return. "Do you normally harbor Alien refugees in the Compound Stark? This seems like a security risk, and an action outside of the accords."

"There are… certain circumstances that I think make this the right choice. They have a vested interest in keeping the earth safe and are generally good people."

"Generally?" Fury presses.

"You can say Vriska. Im pretty sure even her moirail wouldn't disag… well, no, John would totally disagree, and 'Rezi too even if she was hearts. But they're pretty biased." Dave answers for Stark. Tony lowers his face into his hands. Karkat facepalms as well. "What, its not their fault they choose not to see the rampant sociopathy because they have feelings."

"You know Dave, maybe they really do see the good in her crazy pirate ass and your just being a douche guzzling jack off?" Karkat grumbles at him.

“Why are you defending fuckin V? It’s not like we need to worry about making a good impression, we got so many trump cards up our sleeve there isn't a winning hand left in the deck. like we can shuffle out as many aces as we want, and we have every other card in each suite so no one but us can get better than a two pair. I think. Wait." Dave started counting on his fingers.

"Ignore him. Please gog ignore him." Karkat says stepping between Fury and Dave.

"Well… as interesting as that was, do you have a leader I can speak to? I'd like… clear you myself before discussing this with Stark."

"I mean, I’m technically the leader of almost half of us. some more literally than others." Karkat shrugs. "And-" He's cut off by none other than no less than the full seven and a half feet of John Egbert sprinting into the room and leaping over Dave and Karkat feet first, his face covered in a shit eating grin and blood from his broken nose leaking down his chin and mixing with teal. 

"What the fu-" Fury starts before he is interrupted by Terezi Pyrope, six and a half feet tall and dressed in her godhood as well, Swordcane drawn.

She stabs straight up and John, who had just teleported above the door frame sqawks and leaps up to avoid being skewered. Instead of indignity he responds by sticking his tongue out and drawing a hammer that you haven't scene before. Tony sinks further into his hands. 

"Whats wrong John dorkbutt, afraid to come down and face justice for your crimes?" She snarls up at him.

"Whats wrong, too afraid to take to the air and bring justice to me?" He smirks back, and you see him put a hand behind his back ten feet above you, a pie appearing in his palm.

Terezi leaps at him, stabbing viciously without warning, but instead of dodging back like she expected he darts in past her guard, his hammer disappearing and the pie hand whipping around for a point blank pie to the face. This doesn’t seem to faze Terezi as she stows her weapons as well and grabs the tall mans wrists, and deftly launches him towards the balcony. 

"Shouldn’t you put a stop to this?" Fury asks Stark with an irate tone voice. Stark shakes his head into his hands. 

"Ugh, HEY ASSHOLES TAKE YOUR FUCKING FOREPLAY SOMEWHERE ELSE!" Karkat shouts at the balcony. As Johns hammer flies over her head and she headbutts him in the stomach, Karkats demeanor changes. "Okay, this is more violent than usual, Dave get Vris in here, that is one Ashen pair I don't want to be in the middle of."

"Whats wrong 'Rezi! I thought you liked getting pounded!" John happily yells as he swings again in a broad arc, obviously not trying very hard to hit her.

Terezi grins a wide sharktoothed smile. "We'll see who does the pounding today you four eyed dork!" She tosses her hand straight out to her side and her sword cane is replaced by a lucerne with her walking canes pattern and the hammer head emerging from the stylized dragons mouth. Green electricity started shedding off her fingers, and Johns breeze started to gather around his feet and hands. Terezi takes the moment of silence to lick red blood off her lips. The silence dragged on as they circled each-other, hammers held at the ready. Suddenly the northern door was kicked open and Vriska leaps through, Ancestral Blade drawn. 

"WH8T THE FUCK?" she shouts and leaps up to the balcony, decking John with her off hand and kicking Terezi in the stomach, launching her back a few feet. "C'mon, get up." She huffs as the two of them groan on the floor. As they do, she sighs, "So, what brought this on." Neither of them would meet her eye, and she sighed. "C'mon. It's fine, let’s just talk about this."

As she pulls them into a hug you see Karkat look away and start blushing, mumbling something about crimes against quadrants and human depravity. 

Finally John mumbles. "She started it."

"He looked at me funny!" Terezi growls.

They broke off from the hug. "You looked at me funny first!" John almost shouts, throwing his hands out. You note that John is floating and Terezi has her sword cane out again.

"Its not my fault you have such a stupid face!" Terezi sneers at him, prompting a growl from John, and a look that looked like he was ready to bite her.

"Seeeeeeeeriously guys…. c'mon. Is that actually what happened?" Vriska slumps, feigning disbelief.

"Listen… we were bored." John mumbles, starting to blush in embarrassment.

"Your embarrassment smells delicious John." Terezi stage whispers and he rolls his eyes so hard his head rocks back.

"Let's go, c'mon, we need to jam. John?" He nods and reaches out and takes her hand, and instead of taking Terezi's offered hand he darts in and grabs her flab and the three of them disappear in a flash of blue light and Terezi's shout of agitation.

"I can't believe how fucking shameless they are. I'd expect it from John fuckbert, but I thought Terezi and Vriska at least had some class." Karkat railed under his breath.

"At what point in either of their lives did they do literally anything to make you think they had class?" Dave raised an eyebrow at Karkat.

"What the actual fuck?" Fury demands, mostly at Stark.

"Please no. God why?" Stark groans into his hands. "I thought that the manic pixie death girl or shouty McShorty would be the nightmare scenario, but I was so wrong."

"HEY I AM GREAT AT INTER-SPECIES DIPLOMACY!" Karkat shouts, flipping off Stark.

"Don't worry, friend Fury, they were not engaged in a death battle, as I have been told it is a strange form of courting! Did you know that some cultures have four forms of romance?" Thor spoke with a joviality that did not quite match the tone of the room.

"NO! We are not getting started on fucking quadrants! I already know too much and i was only given the outline!"

"Quadrants?" Fury turns to you.

"Trust me, unless you intend to live here with all the problems, you don't want to know." You respond.

"LISTEN, ITS A FAR SUPERIOR SYSTEM FOR RELATIONSHIPS ANYWAY MAYBE YOU'LL LEARN SOMETHING. BESIDES, WE LITERALLY JUST SAW THE MUST DISGUSTING CROSS QUADRANT DISPLAY SINCE YEAR 2. THIS COULD BE A TEACHING MOMENT." Karkat yelled. Or spoke. You still weren't sure what his actual speaking voice was. "IT'S REALLY A LOT SIMPLER THAN IT SEEMS."

"It really isn't. Actually with them it is not only more complicated that it sounds, it’s also deeply uncomfortable. Like, if you think it’s weird gossiping about peoples relationships now wait till you see the fuckin charts." 

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO VERBALLY EXPLAIN THE RELATIONSHIPS OF JOHN AND ROXY? NO! CHARTS ARE AN EXCELLENT TEACHING TOOL!"

You tune out the argument and turn to Fury. “Listen, I… They are good people. We didn’t really mean to keep it a secret, its just… well you know how Shield is about new powerful people. Once we got a better handle on their disposition, we were planning on telling you.” You lie.

“Mhm.” He raises an eyebrow over his eyepatch.

“Not like there is literally a single thing you guys could do about them if they weren’t so nice. Which they are, super nice. And smart, most of them.” Tony shrugged.

“And what exactly does that mean?”

“It means we are bona fide badasses, ass kickers of the tenth degree, bum supplexers of unstoppable grit and verbalistic power.” Dave said with a flourish of his hands.

“Be that as it may, I would like to ask your leader of your intentions.”

“WE DON’T REALLY HAVE A LEADER. I USED TO BE THE LEADER OF MY SPECIES, THE TROLLS, BUT WE DON’T REALLY HAVE ANY STRUCTURE ANYMORE. I CAN TELL YOU WHAT WE INTEND TO DO WITH EARTH THOUGH… WELL, I GEUSS I CANT. SHIT, WE NEED TO HAVE THAT MEETING SOON.”

“Dare I ask?”

“Interference versus non-interference.”

“JADE AND I THINK THAT WE SHOULD STOP YOUR WORLD FROM COLLAPSING IN ON ITSELF, DAVE THINKS WE SHOULDN’T INTERFERE WITH THE CHOICES THAT HUMANITY IS ACTIVELY MAKING. MOST OF THE REST ARE LEANING TO JADE AND I’S SIDE, BUT DAVE HAS SOME GOOD POINTS SO... WE ARE STILL UNDECIDED.”

“Apparently earth is on the verge of multiple environmental catastrophes.” Tony spoke up. “Not just ecological, no, apparently time and space are both… fraying. Does shield have any idea what could be causing significant damage to the nature of reality on and around earth?”

Fury pursed his lips and met Starks suddenly very suspicious eyes with a single considering one.

“Yeah, like, I’m against interfering personally, but y’all should shut down whatever the fuck you’re doin in east Arizona.”

Fury snapped his head around to look at Dave.

“It’s on the verge of getting… entropically unstable.”

“How do you know about this… entropy problem?”

“Knight of Time baby, how could I not notice.”

“And you could fix it?”

“Prolly, if I got a little help from Rose.”

“So why don’t you just fix it? Why not interfere, if you have an interest in protecting earth?”

“… Because I’d have to fix the problem. If there is a leaky spout you don’t just mop up the water.”

“Implying you’d have to shut down whatever is causing the problems.”

“Exactly, otherwise my Timely instincts would never let me rest.”

“WHICH IS THE PROBLEM, IN DAVE’S OPINION, FOR EVERYONE ELSE TOO. IF JADE FIXES SPACE, SHE’D HAVE TO SHUT DOWN ANY SHITTY ASS MAKESHIFT TRANSPORTALIZERS. IF JANE HEALS THE ECOSYSTEM, SHE’D HAVE TO ESSENTIALLY DESTROY YOUR HUMAN ECONOMIC SYSTEM. WHICH IS ACTIVELY KILLING YOUR FUCKING PLANET, SO I DON’T SEE HOW IT’S A BAD THING…”

“But it’s their choice to make! They have all the facts, they can make an informed decision!”

Fury frowned. A lip pursing frown, specifically. Tony shrugged at him again.

“BUT THE PEOPLE WITH THE POWER TO ENACT THOSE DECISIONS ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO STOP THEM FROM BEING MADE!”

Dave nodded, begrudgingly. “See?” he turned back to the Avengers and Fury, “It’s hard.”

“ITS HARD AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.”

“Why do you guys do that?” Tony asks.

“Do what?”

“That thing where one of you says part of a phrase and whoever is nearby just… its like this call and response thing.” Tony explains, gesturing more than is entirely necessary to convey the point.

The two aliens shrugged.

“I think I should make a call…”

Dave and Karkat both shrugged, and a few moments later on the other side of the galaxy, Carol Danvers received a page.


	7. Those few Heroes who watch the worlds fate be debated.

Your name is Nicholas Fury, and by the time Carol “Avenger” Danvers touches down on earth (though you get the distinct feeling that a certain someone named Rambeau might have seen her more often than she admitted) for the first time in years the strange super powered extra terrestrials disagreements on the future of earth have reached a boiling point. You meet her driving up to the avengers compound on a motorcycle that you definitely remember her stealing decades ago.

You make sure to keep a blank face as she pulls up. Its been a week since you met the aliens, and at first you were sure they were a threat, because who isn’t. And then you talked to the Avengers, and they painted a picture of some very genuine young men and women, and non-binary cat person, who had played the hand they had been dealt. And then you were told that they had the power to destroy planets with a thought, manipulate the Infinity Stones, and had access to technology that was able to warp space in such a way that they could create planes of space that connected directly to other planes of space.

Still, you didn’t think they were a threat, but you were certainly in over your head. So, you sent a text to you old friend.

_I need your opinion on some Aliens who just got to earth._

“Hey old man.” She said stoically as she pulled off her helmet.

“Hey yourself.” You say, equally stoically.

There is a moment of silence after she dismounts, where you meet her eyes, before she grins and pulls you into a tight hug.

“Its been a while. I was worried you’d only page me back in the middle of the apocalypse or something.”

“Too long. Apparently it was a close thing, some alien with an infinity stone gauntlet or something tried to destroy half of all life in the universe, according to various sources. The aliens I paged you about defeated him. Handily.”

“Really? So, what did you need my opinion on?”

You shrug. “I wanted to know if you’d ever seen anyone like them out there. Make sure their story checks out. See if there is any countering them if they go crazy.”

“So, how powerful are they?”

“Apparently one of them carries around planets in her pocket. So. Very powerful might be the understatement of the century.”

“What do you mean carries planets in her pocket?”

You shrug. Tony had mentioned it off hand in his little interview, and you had more pressing things to ask about. “They seem like good people, more or less. Young.”

“Young?”

“Young. In their twenties maybe.”

“Oh, wow, young. I guess we should go see them then?”

“Yeah, just, word of warning, they are a lot. Like, mentally, and just, visually?”

“Okay?”

“Like, I used to think that dealing with the avengers was tiring, but, they are so much more. I mean, they are more internally cohesive, which is somehow worse, actually.”

“I don’t really know what to make of that sentence.”

“That’s been my whole week.” You sigh, and lead her into the compound. Before long you can hear the shouting of Jade and Dave. You lead her into the living room, where Dave has taken one side of the middle of the room, and on the other side of the impromptu debate space stand Jade and Karkat. Scattered around the outside of the room are most of the other aliens, and a few Avengers.

You glance around, and beside you Carol does the same, though with far wider eyes. You see a large couch that is distinctly out of place, and white to the point of outright lacking color, upon which Rose and Kanaya have claimed one side and the other Terezi is sitting on top of Johns stomach while he lays sideways on the couch, though they now seem friendly and completely non antagonistic. You didn’t understand that relationship when you were first introduced to it, and you don’t understand it now.

Beside them on an original Avengers couch, Davepeta and Dirk were playing on old Nintendo DS’s. Tony and Steve were stood at the bar watching with some amount of concern. Seated about a tight gathering of chairs were people you had yet to personally meet, but you could gather from descriptions you had heard, were probably Roxy, Jane, Jake, and the green skulled woman was certainly Calliope. Of the aliens they were paying the most attention to the disagreement in the center. Peter was looking on from near that group, clearly not really part of the group. Vision hovered beside him, and they seemed to be engaged in a half conversation.

“THERE IS NO LEGITIMATE ROUTE FOR PEOPLE TO MAKE THE CHANGES THAT WOULD BE REQUIRED WITHOUT INCREDIBLE WORLD SPANNING VIOLENCE!” Jade reiterates the same point she has made many times before.

“BUT WE CANT JUST MAKE THAT CHOICE! WE AREN’T FROM HERE, WE DON’T LIVE HERE!” Dave shouts back.

You lead Carol over to the Avengers at the bar. “I’ll explain her later.” You gesture to Carol for the two of them. “Can you explain to her why this is all happening right now.” You pretend that you are saying that just for her benefit, but honestly you have no idea why this is happening today either.

“Apparently someone in Brazil made a teleporter and something about space is really off in the area now. Its really bad apparently.” Tony answered freely. He looks less tired than usual oddly enough. Almost healthy. “Jade can really feel it, apparently.”

“Jade?” Carol asked. You point at the giant, furry woman in a dress that felt like you were looking into outer space.

“She’s apparently something called a ‘Witch of Space’.” Tony shrugs. “We have no idea what that actually means, apart from her being able to teleport stuff around. And resize things. And mess with gravity. Although it tired her out a lot faster before she got a hold of the Space Stone.”

“LISTEN, WE HAVE TO MAKE SOME KIND OF DECISION EVENTUALLY!” Karkat was saying, from his position partially on Jades side. “AND NONE OF US WANTS TO JUST LET THIS PLANET GO TO HELL! SO WE SHOULD FUCKING FIX WHAT WE CAN RIGHT NOW AND THEN TALK ABOUT THIS IN A MORE FUCKING SANE WAY! THIS IS DUMB, WE CLEARLY CAN’T FUCKING COME TO A CONCLUSION QUICKLY!” He looked around the room for support, foolishly looking towards John and Terezi first. He found some agreement from Roxy and Jane.

“So the argument is…?” Carol asked quietly.

“Jade and Karkat want to fix all the environmental problems with the planet… And probably do something about the institutions that caused the problems in the first place.” You explain.

“Which would be?”

“Capitalism.” Tony shrugs again. “Corrupt government officials.”

“Oh…” She mulls it over for a moment. “And that would be bad because?”

Tony shrugs again. “That’s not really the point. Dave thinks that would be infringing on mankind’s freedom. Which is a big deal for him, and Jane is kind of in agreement, but she also has a weird relationship with the ideas of capitalism, so she’s sitting this one out.”

You raise an eyebrow at him. “Aren’t you pretty in bed with capitalism?”

He shrugs. “I’ve been pretty focused on supervillains for a while, but now that its calmed down a bit maybe I can help more societally. I mean, I was a war profiteer for half my life, I can’t pretend to have any real moral high ground.” He sips loudly from his mug as the three in the middle of the room gesticulate wildly.

“To be honest, I’m still not sure why you called me here.”

“Who are you, by the way?” Steve asked.

“Carol Danvers. I’m from here, but I’ve been in space for a while.” She put out a hand.

Steve took it. “Steve Rogers, nice to meet you.”

“As in Captain America?”

“Yes, I was frozen for quite a while.”

“Holy shit.” Carol’s eyes shot open. Tony snickered.

You look back at the center of the room to find the space around Jade’s hands warping gently. “They aren’t going to fight are they?”

“No,” Steve shook his heads. “All three of them are against violence. Pacifists, actually.”

“Except against Nazi’s. Hey, you haven’t been on earth for a while? Guess what’s back, fucking Nazis!” Tony groans, drinking more of his drink.

“Do Nazi’s really count? And that was just Jade, who was dealing with those people in New York.” Steve added.

“I left in ninety five, what the fuck?” Carol mumbled.

“FUCKING FINE!” Jade roared. “WE’LL WAIT FOR EVERYTHING ELSE! BUT THIS NEW HOLE HAS TO BE REPAIRED, OR IT COULD BE A SERIOUS PROBLEM! I WONT LET A GODDAMN TEAR LIKE THIS STAY! WHO KNOWS WHAT IT COULD LET IN?”

Dave nods behind his shades. His jaw is still set, but agrees. “That… That makes sense Jade. I just want to do what’s right, you know that right?”

Jade growls again, and puts a palm to her head. “I know Dave. If I didn’t know that I would just do it.” And then she is gone in a green flash.

Dave sags a bit, and then goes to sit down on an untaken loveseat, where Karkat joins him, nuzzling up and whispering something in his ear. It surprises you that he is capable of whispering. And then Jade is back, holding a strange device in her hand. She tosses it to Roxy, who catches the heavy looking device deftly in one hand and starts turning it over and examining it. Jade drops into the other untaken loveseat, spreading out and changing in an instant from her dress into the weird hoodie dress she wears most often.

Jade’s electric green eyes slid across the room, finally resting on Carol. She tilted her head and in a flash of green she was floating in front of Carol. “Hello, I’m Jade Harley, and you are utterly connected to the space stone. Did your powers suddenly become weaker within the last year?”

Carols eye’s shot open again in surprise, but she didn’t let herself seem at all phased. “Uhm, Im Carol, and they didn’t get weaker, they just got kind of fritzy. I was a little worried that whatever effect gave me the power was wearing off.”

“Do you want me to fix them? When I fixed the stone it must have affected your connection. You are, so infused with Space… Hey Roxy!” She turned to the pink eyed girl, who disappeared in a burst of nothing and reappeared next to Jade.

“Sup?”

“Can you feel anything off her?”

“Mmmm, just Space ‘n a little bit of Breath. Nothin else out of the ordinary.”

“Except the huge amount of Space there is just… all through her?”

“Yeppers!”

Carol looked a bit confused. “Wait, what do you mean I’m full of space?”

Jade scratched her chin. “You are like, utterly suffused with the concept of Space.”

“How do you verbally capitalize things?” She frowned. “How did I understand that you said that with a capitals?”

“Don’t worry about that… Here.” Jade put out her hand, and set it against Carols head. Carol’s silhouette flashed with the green and black light that went with all of Jades space powers. “That’s better. You were all off from the disconnect.”

Carol staggered back. “Holy shit, I… I feel more? I… what did you do?”

“Basically I just put the wavelength of your energy back in line with the Space Stone.”

“I’ll have to try it, but I think that I have way more control now.” She looked at her hands, with wonder and a touch of fear. “Thanks, I think.”

“My pleasure! Literally, as soon as I noticed you, I could feel the off-ness.” Jade smiled happily. You are struck once more with the sheer presence of these people. Sure, she’s eight tall, absolutely towering over Carol even without floating, but there is something more to it. You are only human, but you can feel something different about the way she moves through the world.

“So, uh, what are you?” Carol was never one for subtlety you suppose.

“Half dog, half human!” Jade grinned her bucktoothed grin. “Well, kind of human. Not necessarily human as you know, I guess.”

“Yeah, tbh I dunno if we were ever really liek, humies at all. Not that Earth B had many peeps by the time I was aroun’ but still. We certainly don’t look like the folks in the ol’ movies.”

Carol looked at her blankly. You pat her on the back.

“The people with the grey skin and candy corn horns are called trolls.”

“Not like anyone I’ve seen,” She tells you. “I mean I’ve seen people with gray skin before, but not anyone like them.”

You suppose that confirms, or at least adds credit to, their story of being interdimensional travelers. Its not necessarily that you didn’t believe them up until now, its just that you knew they were hiding something, and they hadn’t made any attempt to conceal it. It’s a new kind of deception for you, really. You get the feeling that it might be something you don’t really want to know. Like the entire galaxy being a giant frog or something weird like that. You shake your head and realize the conversation has continued, and Jade was saying something about blood color and other superpowers.

You turn and look for a place to sit down for a bit. Vision and Peter were both adequate company, and of the Avengers the least likely to give him a headache. There was room on that giant couch, but it was between the pairs and that seemed like the most awkward place he could choose to sit.

Rose had also pulled out an oily, rainbow colored whitish violin that shimmered with a hint of unreality. She was smirking while holding it against her shoulder, bow hovering over its strings. You follow her eyes to where Dirk and Davepeta have put away their DS games and pulled out a pair of mixing tables, and you pretend not to see them almost pulse with a heartbeat. With a nudge of Rose’s knee Kanaya produced an ornate jade harp and poised her fingers over the strings.

               

               

Your name is Carol Danvers, and for nearly the last year you have felt disconnected from your powers, if only a little. Like something has been just ever so slightly off, just a little bit wrong. Ever so slightly on the fritz. Not putting out as much power at time, sputtering, the works. And now a floating dog woman with radioactive green eyes has set your world right, and now floats in front of you, towering over you on both a physical, and as far as you can sense, a metaphysical level.

It was comforting, in a way you cant explain. The warmth in her voice vibrates through the space around you. She is connected to the world around you in ways you can barely comprehend.

And now you turn you attention to the living room, where her cohorts seem to be preparing for an impromptu jam session. The Violin refrain is truly haunting, and you barely notice the transition from her violin alone to the harmonies of the Spacious harp and the beat of the digital instruments in the hands of the shade wearing people on the far side of the room.

Jade perks up a little as the song starts, and as the strange soothing music fills the room she hovers back to her friends, summoning a large galaxy textured bass guitar to her hands. Or maybe there was just a galaxy contained in its body, you feel like she might have the dominion over the galaxies themselves. The harp of the beautiful grayskinned woman and Jades bass sing through your soul and body like nothing else in the world. The space around you dances to the bassline. This is how the world is meant to be.

You feel power pulse through you with every strum of her fingers… You think, in that moment, you understand something more than any of the humans in the room do. You decide to tell Fury that you trust them, because you trust Jade at least. You can feel her truth, and it’s the same truth that all of reality is built on.

It scares you, a little.

It scares you a lot, actually.

Because you think you may have seen the face of god, and that face has adorable buckteeth, large circular glasses, and eyes alight with nuclear fire.


End file.
